Getting fired

Just about three years ago, I got pulled into an office and told my services, as of that moment, would no longer be necessary.  I was told the contents of my desk would be boxed up and shipped home to me.  Could I please turn over my secure id?

"Someone from human resources will now escort you to the elevator banks..."

It was shattering.  

My identity was crushed in 30 seconds.  Who was I if not a big time finance guy?  How would I respond when people asked me the innocent question 'so what do you do?'   What would I say to my wife, my friends...  my in-laws? 

It was deeply painful and embarrassing.

Some people have gone through an experience similar to mine, others haven't.  I used to feel bad for people who were in my position... and envy those who never had to feel my humiliation.  I have since changed my thinking.  I secretly feel bad for those who haven't been fired.

See there are two kinds of 'getting fired,'

There is the 'getting fired' where we are 'to blame' (we genuinely acknowledge that we didn't deserve the employment because we screwed up.  let's call that FBITB (fired because I am to blame)

Then there is the 'getting fired' where we can point to something exogenous as the cause --  downsizing, restructuring, whatever.  And whatever whatever is, it isn't MY fault.  let's call this FBOTB (fired because others are to blame).

I am willing to bet that most people when they are being led to the elevator bank (like an execution) think it is a FBOTB.  Not everyone of course, but most of us.  It is certainly what I was thinking while I was being led out the door...  "this is ridiculous"  or "this isn't fair"  or "it is ok, they had to make reductions, I understand but it really doesn't have anything to do with me"

See my FBOTB reaction was me doing one thing...  protecting myself, protecting my ego... Shielding myself from reality.  I was hiding from FBITB...

Those secret truths that FBITB whispers when I am naked only with myself.  Home and alone without the identity of a job to shield me... "geez. Maybe I am not as good as I think I am.  Maybe I am not as valuable as I think i am.  Maybe this company doesn't really need me.  Maybe I am worthless."

Those voices can be hard to shake once you hear them echo.  They cut through right to my soul.  they can't be right?  Right?  I mean I know I am good and talented.  Maybe I should just pick up another self-help book.  Yeah.  That will make me feel better.

So I spent a couple of days at home feeling bad and defending my ego constantly against attacks until I couldn't stand it.  I HAD to get another job.  I just HAD to.  I had to interview with as many people as fast possible.  I would silence the voices of FBITB by getting a job.

There was no alternative right?

At least I didn't think so. So I found a job. Not fast, but fast enough. I escaped the sufficating voices. I did it. Once again clothed in my familiar identity as a 'big time finance professional' those voices couldn't penetrate me. I was safe. Or at least safe until I got fired again.

 It has taken me a long time to come to terms with even the possibility of being FBITB. And yet the more I reflect on it, the more I realize it is the truth. I did deserve it. I wasn't good enough. The voices are not going away because they remain for a reason -- they speak to the truth about my life. I am just not good enough... 

there actually always is a valid reason for getting fired? Why? Because i am not perfect, i am human, i make mistakes. but that doesn't just apply to my professional life (which is the primary source of most male identity and sense of worthiness)... that reality and truth applies to everything I do. As a father, as a husband, as a friend... each of these jobs I might do well, but I can never do perfectly. And it is my secret fear that one day I will be exposed in that imperfection in some harsh and cruel way. Someday someone might say 'you are fired!' I may want it to be a FBOTB but in the quiet of the night with nothing to shelter me from the voices i will secretly know that in some way my imperfections could justify the firing...

It happened to me in my professional life, but the reality of my inadequacy cuts cross every area of my life. I am afraid of those exposures.  These are my fears because secretly they are my truths and so I run from them. I run hard.

 There are no alternatives right?

I used to think that. Now I realize that is wrong. There was a man who came before me, 2000 years ago. His historical reality no one can deny (there is no debate He was a real person and He lived). He is perfect. He can NEVER be FBITB. There is no cause or claim anyone can hold against Him. And He delivered this message to me and to everyone:

"Those voices you hear are right. You are not what you want to be and you will always fall short of the real glory you seek. They were right to fire you... but I love you. I love you anyway. I love you no matter what. The entire world can fire you but I will still love you. I will still have a job for you -- love me with all your heart and love others as yourself."

 It is the message of the gospel. It is the gift of grace. I am talking of course about Jesus. So the real truth, for me, and for the world, is that I got fired from my job for good reason and I got fired from my life for good reason (FBITB)...  BUT I got a new job, a new life, a permanent and everlasting hope in Him. Jesus is hiring.  Praise the Lord.