the real way to kill sisyphus...

So i recently read this book called the "myth of sisyphus" written by albert camus in the late 50's, it is an exposition on the absurdist dilemma of suicide.  briefly, existentialists/absurdists were (and are) a verison of the sadducees that Jesus wrestled with during His time here on earth.  the overlapping belief is simply "this is it" --  there is no immortality to the soul and there is nothing after we die.

this nihilism at its heart rejects the idea that there are any values or anything worth pursuing.  there is nothing to live for since there is no "next" life.  in a way, i have a deep respect for the conclusions of the existentialist philosophers  -- at least they are willing to be honest about the human condition...  most other philosophies attempt to route around the absurdity of our own efforts by either separating (buddism) or denying (self-help books) the brokenness of ourselves and this world.  existentialist sadducees are willing to admit the desperate logical outcomes of life and us trying to live it without God.

without God to rely on (although i dont really know what they thought about Jesus, since Jesus doesn't just let you dismiss him.  You have to respond to the reality of His presence, His ministry, His claim....), man's condition  is the same as  homer's character, sisyphus.   sisyphus, the wisest mortal, challenged the gods and is condemned to push a rock up a hill for the rest of eternity and as soon as it reaches the top, watch the rock fall back down and repeat again.  in short, he is me.  he is what i am everytime i try to do something without acknowledging my inability absent the Lord's grace.

now for camus, he sees a deep nobility in this struggle.  he adores the image of sisyphus, fully aware of his own condition and the futility of his struggle continuing to press on.  "at each of those moments when he leaves the heights and gradually sinks toward the lairs of the gods, he is superior to his fate.  he is stronger than his rock."  so for camus, the "struggle" and the fight, the "defiant" moment is what gives purpose and life to this character (and therefore to each of us).

the problem, for me, anyway, is that i can't even really push the rock right.  the harder i try, the worse i make things.  like when i want something so badly i just keep neurotically checking over and over again, getting in my own way... or when i push people to get things done on deadlines i've fabricated that have no meaning, discouraging them and myself when they fall short of the standards i set.  in short, it's not just that what i'm trying to do is absurd, it's also that i can't even do the absurd right.  i'm futile in my own efforts to be futile.  more than that, i am so selfish and prideful in my pursuit of this futility.  where camus sees "noble effort that creates a life worth living," i look at myself and say "i'm just not worth living for."  this is what i find so disappointing about this philosophical conclusion... i get to the end of it, agreeing with the semi-truth it is speaking (the brokenness of the world and my place in it), but i am still left with my futile efforts at futility as the basis for my existence.  now THAT really is absurd.  i'm not sure why camus  

so i have thought a lot about it today.  i think i know what i need to do.  if i really want to rebel against the human condition...  i need to do what sisyphus (and I) don't do; i need to rebel against myself.  I need to do nothing.  i need to let the rock fall back down to the bottom and not move to try to push it back up hill.

so today, in an act of rebellion against myself and the world, i am going to spend just 5 minutes "doing nothing."  no e-mails, no calls, no talking, no reading, no planning.  just 5 minutes with myself, accepting my brokenness and acknowledging that MY claims on life are not worth living for...  and i will also try to be more mindful that His grace is what i really need.  His grace is sufficient.  I can live with myself, in the reality of the futility of my fight against futility, in the open, in stillness, ONLY because Jesus has already done everything.  praise the Lord.

Turning Ten

When I was in first grade I had a friend named Jeremy who I used to discuss Jesus with. He was raised Baptist and I was raised Catholic. Jeremy was much more religious than I was or at least that is what I believed at the time. I remember vividly a conversation that I had with Jeremy about heaven and hell. Jeremy told me that kids who die before the age of ten do not go to hell (presumably because they are unaware of their sins). I hung onto this this piece of information and took comfort in it until I turned ten. I remember that is when I really started to worry. I felt as though I had lost my free ticket to heaven.

As I reflect back on this I realize that what I was concerned about was not being able to live up to the standards God had set for me. I felt as though it was an impossible task and I was destine to fail and I would never be allowed to enter Jesus' kingdom. I look around at people in my life and see that they live thier life much closer to God's wishes than I could ever hope to. I continued to carry this burden throughout my entire life. I am a sinner. I make the same mistakes over and over again seemingly never learning from my failures. In my professional life it is okay to makes mistakes as long as you learn from them and don't repeat them. My parents raised me to learn from my mistakes. Why can't I follow through on this in my duty to Jesus? My duty to him should take priority over everything else. I have rarely wrestled with my faith in Jesus but I am constantley wrestling with his faith in me (the irony of that statement is not lost on me). Shouldn't he have given up on me by now?

The answer is so simple. I cannot save myself. This is an absolute truth. Is is worth repeating. I CANNOT save myself. I find it necessary to remind myself that Jesus forgave Peter. There is a ticket to heaven and in order to get it all I have to do is give myself to Jesus completely. What better news could there be!

BDP

Recidivism 400

Am I destined to do the same things over again? Do I have tragic flaws that I can't escape?

Yes.

I am blind to most of them, but when they are made apparent to me I am crushed. Do I avoid confrontation again and again? Yes. Am I able to have a real conversation with my mother, ever? No. Do I avoid throw my wife under the bus for something that suit me? Yes. In a second, without even thinking.

It is hard to even admit those three things let alone the many more that I am slower to admit and then the many many more that I can't even see. If I actually saw all the things that I did again and again, if I realized the full extent of my propensity to repeat failures, to repeat selfishness, I don't think I could stand. In shame, I would run. I would move away. I would get new friends. I would bury myself in my work or my fitness. 

Some of those things I do do. It is a way to forget. It is a way to forget that I can't escape myself.  But it never seems to really work. Myself and my propensity to repeat is always there. The psalmist describes God that way saying:

⁷ Where can I go from your Spirit?
   Where can I flee from your presence?
⁸ If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
   if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
⁹ If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
   if I settle on the far side of the sea,
¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me,
   your right hand will hold me fast.
¹¹ If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
   and the light become night around me,”
¹² even the darkness will not be dark to you;
   the night will shine like the day,
   for darkness is as light to you.

(Psalm 137)

That may describe God, the spirit that we can never escape, but it also describes my sinful self. Even if I go the depths of the sea, it is there; no matter whether it is dark or light, my sinful self is there waiting for me. It never leaves me. It is just like what God says to Cain before he kills Abel, “Sin is crouching at your door, it desires to have you...” Lord have mercy on me. Where do I go to escape myself, because it is destroying everything in its path: my marriage, my career and even my fitness level? The recidivist self follows me everywhere.

I also connect with the "Woman at the Well" in her recidivistic ways. Where can she go to escape herself? If she goes to the well at noon and no one is there will she forget the her painful past? The memory of broken bridges that she has left behind- three, four, five husband, however many there are, who knows? Please just let me self-destruct in peace. Please don't interrupt my self-destruction. Don't bring it up. Don't try to help. Don't give me advice. Whatever you do, don't give me advice!! It is not as if I don't know what to do! It is not as if I don't know that I shouldn't avoid conflict. It is not as if I don't know that I should seek to improve relationships with my family members. It is not as if I don't know how my wife ought to be treated! Of course I know.

Praise the Lord for the Gospel-my only hope. Praise the Lord that He knows me, five husbands and all, all my repeat offences, again and again; all the ways that I choose myself at the expense of everyone else. And praise the Lord who has forgiven my sins once and for all. No longer does sin rule me. No longer does the law that condemns me have a voice. The voice of the law has been silenced! The law that points out my failures again and again has been satisfied. The law that says, "There you go again. How are you ever going to get better? How are you ever going to stop doing these things?" That law, that law no longer owns me. 

"Christ is the end of the law so that there may be righteousness for everyone who believes."
(Rom 10:4)

Not another new career

Matthew 19:16-22

I keep turning over the parable of the rich man in my head.  Here was a man who had ostensibly EVERY reason to feel good about himself – he was wealthy in the world (no need to worry about clothes, food, possessions or status) and was obedient to God’s laws.  From the outside, there was nothing he or anyone could claim against him as a fault.  Even Jesus doesn’t disagree with him when he claims that he has kept God’s law: “All these I have kept.”  This person is still alive today – we know one or two of them ourselves – they are the wealthy paradigms of virtue that we encounter; those people who just seem to have everything together and do and say all the right things…  They are secretly exactly what I want to be.

And, yet, this man wasn’t happy.  He was in private torment, crying out for help.  He could not understand why he was still unhappy – there was nothing to complain about and yet he intuitively understood that something was wrong.  Why?

Jesus simply tells him, “If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven.  Then come, follow me.” 

My traditional reading of this parable (and therefore answer to the “Why”) has been “Oh, well that’s obvious, he just needs to give up his wealth.  This is just Jesus making the point that we shouldn’t cling to possessions.  Stuff can’t make us happy.”  After thinking about it some more, I realize that while, superficially, that is correct, Jesus is actually imploring him to do something much more radical.  Jesus is offering the advice that only He, because of His righteousness, is in a position to offer -- the key to the peace and joy that this man is seeking – GIVE UP.

See I think Jesus loves him deeply.  Jesus appreciates that this man knows that he needs help.  The rich man is not content with himself even though the world would tell him he should be – this is what warms Jesus’ heart to him.  Jesus knows that he has a willing spirit, but God also knows that it is this very spirit that is keeping him from the peace and joy that he desires.  The man is trying too hard and he is still relying on himself.  Jesus is really telling him to give up the fight.  Give up on material things.  Give up on tasks.  Give up on your claims to righteousness.  Follow me.

This is the OPPOSITE message that I have always taken away from this passage.  I have been reading this passage too quickly (surprise, surprise) and with my prideful heart.  My heart wants to follow Jesus, but it wants to follow on my terms.  I have always stopped paying attention after Jesus tells him to “dump everything.”  I think I understand why…  See “dumping everything and giving to the poor” is a task.  I love tasks.  I can accomplish tasks.  Tasks speak to EVERYTHING in my heart that yearns to make itself whole and make itself better.  It even says right there in the scripture “If you want to be perfect.”  It is a conditional statement followed by a command!”  My hope in myself can still be preserved, right?!?!?  RIGHT?!??!  Wrong. 

I willfully don’t read what is next.  Jesus says “then come, follow me.”  It is a demand and a call to obedience.  My ears are closed to it.  It isn’t enough to fulfill the tasks.  Jesus is telling the rich man (and me) that MY DEEDS are not sufficient -- they will never measure up.  I don’t want to hear that.  Isn’t that a violation of everything that this world tells me?  Doesn’t this world tell me to ‘try harder’ and ‘you can do it’?  Doesn’t it load me up with demands?  All those self-help books complete with plans for how to make myself feel better. 

Jesus tells me, gently, “give up and follow.”  He is calling out my prideful heart – telling me that I can’t ever hope to save myself.  See the reason that this man is secretly so unhappy is that his wealth and his law following are efforts to earn his righteousness.  Yet, somewhere in his heart, even this man (seen by the world as ‘perfect’) is willing to admit that there is something wrong with that.  Because of his human condition, he will never be able to cure himself.  Only Jesus, because He IS perfect; because He IS the perfection that this man (and my heart) desire can tell someone that truth (and be believed) and then command him to follow.  There is no debate with perfection  -- we are simply called to obey.  Stop thinking, stop trying,  just follow.  It is a message that no self-help book could ever credibly deliver.

As Bonhoeffer observes:

“There is no need of any preliminaries, and no other consequence but obedience to the call...  Follow me, run along behind me!  That is all.  To follow in his steps is something which is void of all content.  It gives us no intelligible program for a way of life, no goal or ideal to strive after.  It is not a cause which human calculation might deem worthy of our devotion…  The only answer to his [rich man’s] difficulties is the very commandment of God, which challenges him to have done with the academic discussion and to get on with the task of obedience... He refuses to take those difficulties as seriously as the young man does.  … Not only do the followers of Jesus renounce their rights, they renounce their own righteousness too.  They get no praise for their achievements or sacrifices…  The only honor and dignity they know is their Lord’s own mercy, to which alone they owe their very lives… Works are dead, fruit is alive, and bears the seed which will bring forth more fruit.... Fruit is always the miraculous, the created; it is never the result of willing, but always a growth.  The fruit of the Spirit is a gift of God, and only he can produce it.”

In brief, Jesus tells him (and me) – this isn’t a career, stop trying to make it one.  There is nothing to do but accept my brokenness, love Him and love others.  Pray for forgiveness each day and Have mercy.  Let Jesus do the work through the Holy Spirit in my heart.  This is the good news.

Luther and Heisenberg

Simul Justus et Peccator
"Righteous and at the same time a sinner"
-Martin Luther

I am a Peccator, no question about it.  And, yet, I am also justified (as we all are) by Christ; all I have to do is receive His grace with a repentant heart -- no upfront work demanded of me as the price for my justification.  Jesus has taken my sins upon Himself and born the entire weight of the punishment.

This weekend I was wondering why it is so hard for me to accept that these two things -- my state as a sinner and my state of justification, can exist side by side.
I have come up with three related explanations for my struggle:
1) my non-involvement in my salvation
2) the consequent implications for my claims to righteousness
3) my struggle with good works

Non-Involvement

"An even more significant barrier to the apprehension of Christianity, however, is the threat to one’s own self-righteousness" -F.Allison

It is obvious that I did nothing to save myself.  Jesus acts as though I have been running up debts on my credit card non-stop and yet He has been covering the bill and imputing to me a perfect FICO score.  What is more than this, however, I realize that not only are my sins the reason Jesus had to suffer, but also my pride still condemns Him.  There is little doubt that I would have been one of the culpable parties that nailed our Savior to the cross -- most likely a Pharisee declaring my own perfection before the law while missing the entire message of grace.

My pride simply DEMANDS a claim to innocence and asserts my ability to save myself.  Those are the terms it wants for salvation so I can still be righteous.  Grace demands I forfeit both these claims.

Consequences for Self-Righteousness  
The grace of Jesus impacts the self-righteousness in my heart in two distinct ways.  The first, as I have just described, is admission of my own culpability in His condemnation.  I can't truly receive the Gospel if I am not prepared to accept this truth.

The second is the admission grace demands of my inability to fulfill God's law.  In short, even in my absolute best and finest moments, I fall so short of the what God asks that I have to give up all hope of "doing my best" as justification for myself -- it will never be good enough. I am not alone in this.  As F. Allison observes about the "good" people we all know in our lives (I normally, obnoxiously, include myself in this category):

"In the face of the lofty, uncompromising, and absolute demands of the law (e.g. the Sermon on the mount) he too, is disclosed as poor, even bankrupt.  He now has no self-righteousness to clog his ears to the good news" -F.A.


Jesus's message of grace removes the pedestal of my own goodness. More than that, it DESTROYS all hope of fulfilling the law in this life. God's justice demands a perfect score -- there is no grading on a curve, no "well, I am better than that guy." God requires perfection, nothing less. There is NO ONE, except Jesus, who has ever had a hope of earning their salvation. I am doomed to fail before even trying.  Again, my pride fights this idea at every turn. Admitting guilt is one thing, admitting my inability is another altogether...


Struggling with good works



"Repent and believe the good news." Mark 1:15

We are justified through Christ.  This is the good news.  Despite our sinful state, He imputes His righteousness to us.  There are moments when I can begin to understand this message and receive its transforming impact on my heart, but then there is another problem -- my struggle with good works.

So I am a Christian... I am supposed to go to church, go to bible study, give money away and pray for everyone right?  I am supposed to feed and clothe the homeless, take care of widows and orphans...  Do all those good works.

See, for me, even when receiving the message of God's grace, my self-awareness and my pride demand MEASUREMENT.  I have got to count things -- the amount of money given away, the number of lives impacted, the people reading my blog, whatever it is, I love to count.  If I can count it, then I can measure it; I can improve on my deeds and I can judge myself against others.  It is just so natural and innocent seeming...  The desire to measure my progress through my good works.  My pride just refuses to give up the idea that I can't at least contribute something to my salvation.

But, of course, the moment I start measuring, I am not serving God's glory -- I am serving my own.  I am looking for a way to repair my self-image, shattered by the gospel, through a path other than Jesus.  It is as though my ego says "Yes, yes, I know I am sinful and inadequate before God, but...  I mean LOOK at all those boxes I just packed for Hope for NY.  Look at all that money I just tithed...  You can't tell me that doesn't count for something."


This phenomenon is a bit like the Heisenberg Uncertainty principle of good works (or the fruits of the spirit).  For those who forgot their physics (this includes me, I had to use Wikipedia), the Heisenberg uncertainty principle "states a fundamental limit on the accuracy with which certain pairs of physical properties, such as the position and momentum of a particle, can be simultaneously known. In other words, the more precisely one property is measured, the less precisely the other can be controlled, determined, or known."  This somewhat counterintuitive principle demonstrates how the act of measuring itself can corrupt the results of the experiment. 


I believe I now understand why Jesus said:
"But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing,"  Matt 6:3

Jesus understood, long before Werner Heisenberg in 1927, that my pride's desire to measure itself through works would corrupt the results of my salvation.

My only hope, as always, rests in Him.  I need to give up and accept that I am a sinner.  Accept the dual condemnation of sinfulness and inadequacy...  I need to have faith in the Holy Spirit's fruit.  Let the gospel take root in my heart...  Trust that God's promises are real and renounce my righteousness and my efforts to become righteous.  The good works will flow naturally as a product of my heart's gratitude.

This ideal, of course, will never happen, God knows it can't...  which is why I will always be a sinner in need of confession, repentance and forgiveness through grace.  Yet in this cycle, I find that my need for Him grows stronger... in this cycle rests the hope and the glory to which we are all called.   Simil Justus et Peccator.

CPP



 

Reckless

Growing up I was very lonely.   For reasons that didn't make sense to me at the time, I spent my high school years with virtually no friends.  It is hard to emphasize the deep pain, humiliation and sense of exposure that I experienced.  Predictably, without peer approval, I turned everything into a competition -- my goal became "earn respect by trying to be the best."  With reckless, nearly compulsive drive, I poured all of my energies and efforts into whatever task the world asked of me.  Luckily for me, there were only a few choices that had to be made during school years -- I could spend my time working and grinding, fighting my way out of my shame.  I can recall thinking "If I only had a good group of friends, I will be happy."

Of course, what began as an exercise in self-improvement quickly became habit... Habit became bondage.  I couldn't stop because I had formed a new identity in my "intensity" and I was terrified of feeling the shame of abandonment again.  Even after my desire for a strong group of friends was met in college, I was so committed to a now instinctive and reflexive path of "being the best" that I felt no desire to stop.  After college, I struggled mightily with my identity.  Without the clean lines and orderly ranking that school naturally provides (classes and grades), I was lost for how to "earn my respect." It wasn't enough just to work at a good job, I needed to hang my hat on something else to seperate myself from everyone.  Even after several years of comfort from close friends, I remained wary that the world might reject me again, so I sought out a new area to distinguish myself so I could have that to cling to "earn my respect."  That is when I stumbled upon extreme sports.

See if I could no longer really seperate myself by academic achievements or athletics and since the real world no longer offered easy ways to compare myself to others, I would show everyone how fearless I was.  In short, I would be the most reckless.  I raced ironmans and adventure races, climbed mountains, went surfing in Mexico, jumped off waterfalls in the Dominican Republic and bought myself a motorcycle.  I was utterly determined to "show off" how brave I was.  I scoffed at people who didn't do these things as "weak."

Again however, what began as an exercise in seperation, quickly became habit... Became bondage.  Pretty soon I was reckless about everything in my life.  I was reckless for the sake of being reckless.  I was quick to make decisions ("I never hesitate") in everything.  I sought out risky positions in my career before I was ready.  At the heart of all my actions was a fear of exposure -- a fear that the abandonment I felt in high school was deserved.  I really wasn't worthy of being loved.  Even after that had been disproven (through the love of my friends and family), I still carried the scars from that experience around like a perverse badge of honor.  I self-indulged in the pain of my experience, using it as an excuse for my increasingly dangerous behavior. 

Somewhat ironically, I was actually fulfilling the truth that I was working so hard to disprove.  I was living like I WASN'T worthy of being loved by engaging in thoughtless risks.  Who self-consciously seeks out risks for the "thrill" of it, but the man who believes his life has no meaning? (note: Let's distinguish between some forms exposure that might allow someone to be drawn closer to God by experiencing His beauty up close -- such as mountain climbing and other forms of risk, such as the ones I would take, that have no explicit purpose other than "risk for the sake of risk")  There was no courage in my actions -- there was simply desperation. To add insult to injury, what I was doing not only fulfilled the truth I was attempting to disprove, but also revealed how NOT "different" I really was.

As Carroll Quigley observed about the generations in the 60's "speed, alcohol, sex, coffee, and even tobacco screened man off from living, injuring his health, stultifying his capacity to think, observe, or to enjoy life, without his realizing that these were the shields he adopted to conceal from himself the fact that he was no longer really capable of living, because he no longer knew what life was and could see no meaning or purpose in it. As his capacity to live or to experience life dwindled, he sought to reach it by seeking for vigorous experiences that might penetrated the barriers surrounding him. The result was mounting sensationalism. In time, nothing made much of an impression"

Only with the benefit of God's grace, can I look back and realize how misdirected my risk-taking was.  My pride knew (and still does not know) any limit.  It is only through the continuous process of confession that I can receive God's grace and follow Jesus in gratitude.  Turns out my shame was justified...  Living for myself is NOT a life worth living.  Meaningless risks would never change that fact.

If I was looking for an extreme sport, I should have opened my heart to the gospel earlier.  As Bonhoeffer writes, "The disciple is dragged out of his relative secuirity into a life of absolute insecurity, from a life which is observable and calculable into a life where everything is unobservable and fortuituous, out of the realm of finite into the real of infinite possibilities...  It is nothing else than bondage to Jesus Christ alone, completely breaking through every program, every ideal, every set of laws.  No other significance is possible, since Jesus is the only significance.  Besides Jesus nothing has any significance.  He alone matters."

I think I am going to go have a Mountain Dew and read some Scripture. 

CPP

My clown show

In reflecting in the late hours of last night, I realized that my relationship with God had profound and wonderful implications for all my human relationships.  See, previously, in my relationships, I had to rely on my own strength.  My strength fed my pride and my pride was only sustained by doing the impossible -- being perfect...  I would tell myself, "Of course, I will be a "good" friend – I can be the best."  I will call, and plan trips, and tell jokes and ask about how you are doing and all the while pat myself on the back for being so thoughtful and good.  “Gosh, I really am the best friend.”  My selfish heart had turned my seemingly unselfish desire 'be a good friend' into a way to feed my pride.  I managed to tilt and manipulate every possible reflection on my soul so I that I see only what I want to see.  

Surrounded by this funhouse of mirrors, I didn’t see the truth about myself – the truth that I was really just selfishly in pursuit of MY VISION of what being a good friend looked like.  I didn’t need to explore what was really happening in my friend's heart or respond to his anxieties about life.  What did that have to do with me?  Clearly nothing since I was already such a good friend.  This can be especially challenging for men since we are all always trying to prove to one another how we are not really soft (me more than most). 

Like it or not, I have also been unwittingly operating under a system of “points.”  Every relationship also included an element of “what is in it for me?”  Even those things that I thought I was doing so selflessly were really just efforts to swell my pride.  _I_ dictated what needed to be done and did it.  Sometimes I might begrudgingly listen to friends ‘suggestions’ for what might help him, but in my own arrogant way I always resented any notion that I wasn’t already perfect.  Not even realizing it, not only was I using my friendships to swell my pride, but also to create a debit with those that I felt "owed" me back.  It may or may not be something I ever intended to call in, but subconciously I was storing up favors in the bank.  Disgusting, sick, and sad. 
 
See the problem with both my "points" thinking and my "mr perfect friend" attitude is that if something “broken in my life" is ever exposed – any suggestion made that I wasn’t doing something right in a relationship or I was 'betrayed' by someone that wasn't grateful enough for a thing I had done, risked creating a horrific cycle of resentment that fed on itself.  Rather than those genuine truths drawing us closer (guess what I CAN do better, people are NOT always grateful), it would push us further apart.  Almost inevitably the friendships either suffered partial or complete impairment... 

So here is what I realized last night…  Jesus is the answer.  His law breaks my pride and His grace breaks the self-righteous cycle of my points system.  His perfect love and friendship allow me to live in the tension of who God WANTS me to be as a friend and the REALITY of who and how I really am (selfish, thoughtless, uncaring, etc).  I do not have to live in fear, on edge or sit in judgment of others.  The sins of my heart, whether they are desire for praise, power, control, whatever, do not have to drive me apart from other people...  Through Jesus, my sins seen in the light of day, drive me to my knees, to the receipt of His grace and can ultimately give me closer and better relationships.  His love enables the capacity for empathy and mercy that my selfish, imperfect heart could never achieve left to its own devices.  Jesus helps me see all the ways in which my selfishness contributes to my own brokenness and the brokenness of the world without condemning me even though I deserve it.  Gratitude for his grace enables my mercy (which is doomed to imperfection from the start because of my humanness).

Unlike me in my silly little funhouse of mirrors, God doesn’t hide from the truth.  He reveals it and shows me my constant need for Him AND my friends.
Praise the Lord.

CPP

leaving my net

Last night, while my wife and I were praying together, I repeated a request that I have made so often to God -- "Lord, please show me your plan for our lives."  Let me start by saying that my wife and I do not pray together as often as I would like.  This is my fault.  I am always so busy "reading" or checking off things on my to do list (see Busyness Post) that we can never "find the time."  For as long as I am alive, I will be in continual confession about that...

Anyway, it occurred to me this morning the mistake I have been making when asking God for His plan for my life.  The implication of that request is that I should be doing something.  More than that, the implication is that I can do something.  My secret hope when I have been praying for him to "show me Your plan for my life" is that he will give me some kind of "project" that I will be able to accomplish and be prideful about.  Yet how ridiculous and arrogant is my assumption?  During the sermon on the mount, Jesus commands us to "be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect" (Matt 5:48).  Why would He ask this of me if He knows I will fail?  Is he trying to condemn me like Sisyphus to repeat my hamster cycle of trying and failing?  As DRP noted this morning, we can never do the things we 'ought' or 'should' do.  Actually, I believe God is revealing the futility of my own efforts and my flesh's utter weakness.  By exposing my inability to perform, he reveals to me the power of his Grace.  "When you become a Christian you are given the moral perfection of Christ.  God will no longer reject or punish you for your imperfections."  - Richard Winter.  Thank the heavens!  He releases me from the trap of my own self-salvation project through the gift of his Grace.  He frees me from the anxiety, stress and constant discouragement of relying on my works at which I am doomed to fail.

The Gospel also provides an answer for this question about "His plan for my life."  I think he already HAS shown me the plan for my life.  Since, it is NOT to be perfect (He makes it clear that it impossible), instead I am supposed to give up on my selfish hopes of having something I can accomplish as the basis for my salvation and do two things: 1) to love Him with all of my heart, mind, and soul and 2) to love others as myself.  As Paul David Tripp observes, he has called me to hold onto my life with "open hands"  -- not to cling to false idols like money, power, success, but prepared to give them up the moment he calls me to service.

Recalling how Jesus first called the disciples, walking along the shores of the sea of Galilee, he comes upon Simon and Andrew casting their nets for fish.  Mark writes "'Come, follow me,' Jesus said, 'and i will send you out to fish for people.'  At once they left their nets and followed him.'"  (Mark 1: 17-18)

I don't believe God is promising them perfection in this life (for that is impossible until we are in heaven).  Instead, God's call is to humility, worship and love.  I will NEVER be prepared to hear it if I am caught up in my own prideful projects since I will be so preoccupied by my own work that I won't be willing to "leave my net."  If God appeared to me in the next hour and said "CPP, I want you to serve my people in Africa.  It will be a thankless task, full of hard work and bitter disappointment, but it is what I want you to do" How would I respond?  Would I be willing to drop my career and my comfortable life for His glory?  Or would I continue to pursue my own ambitions?  More realistically, if He appeared before me and said "CPP, I have put you exactly where you are for a reason.  I don't want you to be anywhere else.  I want you to love and serve all those who you come into contact with -- share the hope of the Gospel and love Me."  Would I be OK with that message too?  Knowing that "nothing" might actually change (although change is inevitable) and that I am already in the circumstances that God has designed for me?  Would I be disappointed that my own dreams and hopes for my life are not being fulfilled -- no fancy car, no new apartment, etc.  or would I rejoice at the opportunity to serve for His glory right where I am?


Tonight (if I can "find the time"), my prayer will be:
Lord, Please give me the courage that comes only through faith in You to remain open to whatever Your Plan continues to be for my life.  Help me to forsake the selfish hopes and dreams that I cling to in my prideful heart and replace them with Your hopes and dreams for my life.  Help me to stop looking for the next project and instead to serve out daily the mission of loving You and Your children.  Thank you in advance for forgiving me my failures even in this attempted service.

To redraft one's self

From Agony and the Esctasy (biographical novel about Michelangelo):
"I'm not well designed," thought the thirteen year old with serious concentration. "My head is out of rule with the forehead overweighing my moth and chin. Someone should have used a plumb line..." With rapid strokes of the crayon he began redrafting his features, widening the oval of the eyes, rounding the forehead, broadening the narrow cheeks, making the lips fuller....


Good morning Monday. The effort today will not be to undertake an effort to redraft myself, convinced that if only I had a different look, a different personality, more money that things would be better and I would be content with myself- convinced that the problem is external rather than internal and convinced that if only things were different than they would be better.

Will I ever not fear failing to measure up to the standards that I set for myself, the standards that I imagine that my wife, brother, mother, have fore me? Will I ever not fear that I will not meaure up to the standards of this world ("To whom much has been given, much will be expected.")?  My fear that my imperfections will be apparent rather than hidden and that it will be exposed that my job is not that impressive or that I am not that thoughtful (how does one compete with CPP?). How can I possibly hide my faults and failures? How can I possibly avoid being detected for who I am- like Michelangelo- not that well designed?

The Gospel proclaims that nothing I can do can mend me or fix me; that there is nothing I can do to redraft myself and nothing in this world (either that I do, or someone else does for me) has the ability to fix me. The things that I wish I didn't do or wish I didn't feel are inescapable and I am a complete recidivist. But praise the Lord, the true judge who has risen from the dead does not condemn us. Therefore, there is no condemnation...

DRP

Why I hate community...

As I was reviewing our weekend schedule with my wife, I started to get a little sick to my stomach.  We had a going away party to attend, playtime with another couple's child, a birthday party and then another round of playtime lined up.  For someone who loves to keep busy like me (see yesterday's post), this should seem just be a dream come true.  Sadly, that isn't the case.  All the socializing makes me nervous. 

Now there are some people who are naturally extroverted, drawing energy from those around them.  The more new people and conversations they can have, the better.  For as long as I can remember, I have never been this way.  I have always presumed, because there was a convenient and innocent sounding label to use, that I was an "introvert."  It is a clean, clinical, and defensible reason to limit my socializing.  It became such that my wife would cringe before even considering adding something to our collective calendars...  I made her feel as though she was "spending" earned points when I agreed to do anything.  I know, it is bad news and it is ugly...  all sin, which are ultimately acts of selfishness, are ugly when confessed.

This is not a post about being introverted, however.  It is about the lie I have been telling myself.  The real reason for my apparent introversion is that I view each encounter, each new conversation as having the potential to disrupt the clever self-satisified image that I have created for myself.  My "introversion" is really just my arrogant refusal to acknowledge that I am just as bad as everyone else in God's eyes.

In his book, "Trust in an Age of Arrogance," Fitzsimmons Allison writes

"My dignity based on “I’m not as bad as ____” is the persistent and tenacious symptom of deadly Pharisaism...  It is the cause of gossip, which is no more than the Pharisee’s wistful hope that God grades on the curve – that God’s standard is not absolute but is relative to average goodness.  This hope puts a premium on listening to and spreading bad news about other people.  If God grades on the curve I must find as many people as I can who are greater sinners than I am.  Then I will pass.  If this were true, there would always be room for boasting and pride and an insatiable need to know, and to find glee in, how bad others are.  Such a view will never bring us in abject emptiness before God...  The idiocy of our times that has emptied God of his awesomeness leaves us with no laxative for our arrogant constipation."

If I continue to refuse the acknowledgement of my own sinfulness and my own continuous and desperate need for grace, I will keep being worn down and worn out by community.  Why? Because my approach to community will be based on MY terms and not God's terms.  Each discussion will risk exposing the false self-esteem upon which I am relying.  If I get my peace and joy from thinking I am the smartest, what happens when I inevitably meet someone smarter?  I will either be crushed or respond by trying to find some way to tear them down -- "yeah, he might be smart, but he can't do X, Y or Z like I can so I am still better."  If I think I am the most successful, what happens when I inevitably meet someone more successful then me -- "yeah, he might be successful, but he got lucky, I have had to work for everything I've got."  The absurdity of these statements I am sure is not lost on anyone.  Yet these are the conversations I have to have with myself, to make myself feel better, when I rest on my own self-esteem.  No wonder I get exhausted...  It is really tiring to have your security threatened...  Much easier just to stay at home, read a book and pretend that I am as good as I believe I am.

God, of course, knows all this.  It is why he calls us to be in community.  Satan loves nothing more than for us to be on our own... To idolize about the fantasy of self-sufficiency.  I might b the worst at that.  I once took a personality test where I scored in such an extreme direction for independence that the person proctering the test told me "please don't ever try to go work at GE or you might kill someone."  For a long time, I took perverse pride in this.  I loved thinking I was "different" or "special."  Now I realize, with great sadness, that that personality test really just revealed how corrupt and prideful my heart was.  So convicted on every level about my righteousness, I didn't need community.  When, of course, what I needed most of all was to come into community, confess the ways in which I was deceiving myself and fall on my knees to receive His grace.   Afterall, there is nothing more joyous than the purity of His perfect love and sharing that universal, unearned, good news with everyone.

So tonight I am heading out again, hoping that God finds someway to remind me of my need for him.  Perhaps I will meet someone with really nice hair...  Losing mine at a rapid clip, it is getting harder and harder to hold myself up as the image of self-sufficient manhood I idolize when i meet another man with beautiful wavy locks.  I am so grateful our Lord doesnt grade on a curve.

CPP

Busyness is the Moral Equivalent Laziness and I just might be the worst offender...

Last night around 11:30, I was finishing up a book when the phrase "busyness is the moral equivalent of laziness" came back into my head.  It had appeared in a work called "Leading with a Limp" that I'd read just a few weeks back.  At the time I didn't think much of it, but something connected with me yesterday evening when I realized that, on that metric, I might be the worst offender.

At the start of the year, I came up with a list of resolutions, one of which included reading 100 books in 2011.  There was no particular rhyme or reason to it, it seemed innocent enough and, in fact, quite a worthwhile and productive goal.  It's now September 9th and I've read 87 books.  Before anyone starts saying "wow, that's great, that's a lot of books," no need to bother.  I have already congratulated myself more than enough.  I have, sadly, in fact become quite prideful about the whole thing.   Honestly, it's really ugly and embarrassing -- like some pathetic version of an athlete doing a flamboyant touchdown dance.  All about him and all about how great what he just did was...  I was in the midst of another of my self-congratulatory talks at 11:30 last night (my wife had long since gone to sleep) when I thought about how keeping myself busy with my latest self-improvement project had led to such depravity.

Briefly, here is my hamster cycle.

1. Set a goal (thoughtful or otherwise)

2. Work hard towards that goal

3. Push everything else aside to accomplish that goal

4. Accomplish the goal

5. Repeat Immediately

So how did this start and why do I keep doing it?  Some of it is certainly that I grew up in a family of "do-ers."  My family was always very good at coming up with a list of things that needed to be done and tackling that list with alacrity.  In lots of ways, this was an enormous blessing, because what I learned from osmosis quickly turned into habit, and many of the the routine organizational matters of life could be handled comfortably.

Of course, it is not my family's fault that I corrupted this routine.  It's obviously mine!  I simply can't resist the great temptation that Satan whispers in my ear "You can do it!  You can make yourself happy.  If you just get this next thing done, then you'll feel happy, content, peaceful, joyous"   My little self-improvement projects fit neatly into this lie and, of course, because I always make the projects something I can accomplish (i.e. read 100 books as opposed to "love others as yourself"), my insidious pride always finds its way into the mix.  Pretty soon, I'm feeling totally self-satisfied.  

That's pretty ugly right?  It's ugly.  The problem is that the world encourages me to do it!  We are all awarded for how much we can get done.  The more I get done, the more rewards I get.  I get money, accolades, silly little plaques with my name on them...  Before I know it, I am in total bondage to this stuff that will never satisfy me (because it falls so far short of the much larger goals to which I have been called -- to love the Lord my God with all my heart, soul and mind and to love others as myself, goals that I could NEVER accomplish on my own), but I am so frigging busy, I don't even notice.  I have so many things to do on my list that I don't have the time to stop...  heck I don't want to stop, because stopping would mean acknowledging that my flesh is too weak to do what I want it to.  I can't actually do what I should be doing.  That is a harsh message and one that no one, most of all me, wants to hear.  It is much easier for me to distract myself with endless easy and definable tasks and as a consequence feed the lie, build up false pride...  I just keep moving like some sort of possessed Tazmanian Devil.

The consequences of this in my life are many and nearly all of them are bad...  The primary victim is the most important person in my life --  my wife.  Wrapped up in my own self-salvation project, I barely make time to talk to her.  There are just too many things for me to "get to" on my list.  I am so eager to get to the next thing or plan the next thing, that I rarely take the time just to be still together.  I can see the ways in which my own anxieties about accomplishing my hamster cycle make her more anxious...  so unfair of me.

So what's my hope?  Well I am pretty sure I know what it isn't.  It is NOT me coming up with a new goal to try to accomplish.  Instead, I suspect it begins with me GIVING UP.  I need to admit that the two really big life goals 1. Loving God and 2. Loving others, I am completely incapable of accomplishing.  Since those are the only two that really matter, I need to fall on my knees and ask God for forgiveness.  Because He is loving, He has already forgiven me... my pride and righteousness, instead of being based on my own ability to accomplish silly tasks, can be founded in the grace that we ALL received.  Since we all received it, I might have some hope of sharing God's love through me...  I can stop looking at other people as getting in my way and start seeing them as God intends me too.  That can only happen though, if I give up.

Dietrich Bonhoeffer used to spend an hour a day meditating on scripture.  In the process of doing 'nothing' he came to understood more fully how utterly dependent he was on Christ.  It is a lot harder to do nothing than it looks.  Of course, given my proclivity towards busyness, I am sure I could figure out a way to turn doing 'nothing' into a concrete, accomplishable task that I could feel good about.

Pray for me.

CPP

Prodigal Son

Luke 15: 11

The well known passage of the Prodigal son resonates with us on two levels: first, with our experience as wayward and broken children of Christ, and second, in our identification with the righteous indignation of the eldest son.  Understanding that Jesus is telling this parable before a group of known sinners (tax collecters, etc) and the Pharisees, we understand that he is simultaneously speaking to both groups, "check the box" in our heads and move on.  At least that is how I have approached this study each time I have done it.  Recently however, a friend pointed out the non-resolution for both brothers in the parable.  We do not know what becomes either of the youngest son (other than that he is forgiven) or the eldest son (other than that he is angry/righteous).

We have each, in our own way, suffered the experience of the younger brother.  Having tried to take things into our own hands, we find ourselves destitute and disgraced, covered in the metaphorical filth of our own sins -- hopeless and broken.  In that moment, if we are lucky, we have also felt the grace of the Lord.  We have been received by God and understand what it means to receive undeserved forgiveness... to make a mistake that is so bad that there is no possible way for us to erase it or correct the imbalance in the justice scales ourselves.  Maybe, maybe, I have understood that part.  In certain ways, receipt of that message is the easy part (we are overwhelmed by gratitude).  So we can read the story of the Prodigal Son and say to ourselves "yeah, jeez, i get it.  That is amazing."

This is why my friend's question struck me as so insightful...  What happens next to the Prodigal Son and the Older brother?   Since I think what happens next might actually be where, at least, personally, I need the most help.  Why?  Because my response to the gospel is going to be a human and broken response...  A response that desires to put myself at the center.  The same broken thinking that made me the Prodigal Son in the first place -- my culpability about believing in my own strength and power (the great lie), is going to be how I want to respond to the gospel.  I am going to say "yeah, jeez, i get it.  That is amazing, thanks for the grace.  So what should I do now?"  If I respond like that (which is how i always respond), I will end up like the Older brother.  I will still believe in my own strength.  I will say "great, ok, i'm going to be the BEST Christian.  I am going to follow all of God's laws, I am going to be do everything the Bible says, I'm gonna..."  In other words, I will have replaced one form of the great lie (that I can make myself happy, content, fulfilled with things that are not of God) with the other great lie (that I am good enough to do everything the gospel commands).  I will inevitably turn into the Older brother, filled with a sense of righteousness.  I will judge others based on where they stand in their own walks relative to me.  My heart will be filled with a different perhaps even more distasteful bitterness.  Why?  Because we have failed to fully acknowledge our inability to do what we God commands.  God commands us to love others as ourselves...  That is NOT how the Older brother thinks of his younger brother's return.

So what to do?  We need to approach Christ and the cross weekly, daily, hourly, continuously acknowledging that NOT ONLY are we the Prodigal Son, BUT ALSO the Righteous Older Brother.  Our hope remains not in being able to fulfilled his laws, but in constantly acknowledging our sinful natures -- in giving up on the lie.  Only then will that initial feeling of gratitude that we have when we receive grace stay with us...  Only then do we even have a hope of having the response that the Lord desires for us to have towards other Prodigal Sons... Not righteous condemnation, but a joyous sense of brotherhood.  We are all sinners, all redeemed by Christ.

CPP

What is there to be excited about?

So what will make me happy?  What is there to be excited about?
Work.  Success.  Beating other people.  Winning. My family.  Getting to retirement.
People's vision of me (as worker, as husband/wife, as father/mother, as social person, etc)  Vacation.  Relief...


Why do we want these things?
For peace, for security, for a sense of self-satisfaction.

Each of us, even those that profess no belief in anything are deeply motivated by a desire to have these things.
It may or may not have something to do with a hidden sense of guilt, shame or embarassment -- a need to prove our own worth.
Our desires are actually a reflection of our desire to be with God... To be in His kingdom.

Why do we these things NEVER fulfill us?
Because these things are too small and because we have no ability to be perfect.
The Bible tells us we leave in a broken world.  Success, money, etc will only give us a taste of the heaven we desire.  It is not that they can provide no joy, just no LASTING joy or peace.

But then why do we still FEEL like they will make us happy or make things better or provide that relief?
Because we are human and because we are made in his image, we are going to desire something.  We, unlike every other creature, were given the ability to have thoughtful desires...  BUT we naturally put ourselves at the center of everything.  We can't help it.  Recall what  Satan said to Eve when trying to coax her into taking a bite from the tree of good and evil, essentially -- 'you too can be a god.'  This is the great lie that we all DESPERATELY want to believe.  But of course it isn't true.  The belief that our wills have the power to do what we should -- "to love others as ourselves," that is simply impossible for us to do.  If we are not busy trying to fulfill God's law, we are busy trying to fulfill a law of our own creation.  "if i just do this, i'll feel better, if i just have this, then i won't be so unhappy"  Sadly, we can't do fulfill either law.  "The belief that our hearts can be changed by our wills alone is an arrogant, cruel and misplaced confidence." (f. allison)  And YET, it is etched so firmly into who we all are...  We simply don't want to believe it.

We should not be surprised by our own sinfulness -- our natural instincts or desires will never go away.  This is what it means by saying the first step to approaching the cross is to give up.  Acknowledge before yourself and before the Lord that you are permanently broken in your desires, that you will NEVER be a god and you will never be able to fulfill your own laws that your create for yourself, much less God's  laws no matter how hard you try.

"with God's forgiveness and love, and our repentance, our wrongful desires are GRADUALLY replaced, our wills are changed as an expressino of a changed heart, and we begin to desire what God wants for us." -- fitzsimmons allison

To be clear, there is NOTHING wrong with wanting nice things.  It is not wrong to want to live in a nice house or to have a nice family or a good job The sin is when we hold onto those ideas with a closed hand, when we are not open to receiving the Lord's plan for our lives even if it conflicts with our own ideas...  When we believe that THOSE things (which we are going to be BETTER than the serving God's laws).
We obsess, replacing God's idea of what would make us happy (loving Him with all our heart, soul and mind and loving others as ourself) and replacing it with our own ideas.  There is no way these things won't  disappoint us ultimately.

Does that mean i should never have a nice thing?
No, but i certainly am not ready to have a nice thing if i am also simultaneously not prepared to give it up.  if we are able to do that, and understand that our security, our peace, our joy comes from redemption through Christ, then we should feel no burden in having them.  As Jesus warns us (as he warns the rich man), that is much easier to say than it is to do.   Our hearts are so corrupt that we will fall into a sinful state when surrounded by these things...  Why?  Because we are human and will never stop being human and we are so easily seduced into forgetting our dependence on God.  These THINGS (work, possessions, etc) make us forget.   they can make us forget about our sinful state and our dependence on Christ and feed the horrible deception that satan first gave to us...  That we too are gods.  If we allow ourselves to be distracted enough, we end up enslaved to these THINGS which are doomed never to provide us the happiness, peace, joy and security that we truly desire.  We enter an exhausting and endless loop of hope, work, failure, a new goal, hope, work, failure, a new goal... Each time thinking that "this will do it."  The only way to break that cycle is by giving up.

"Understanding that sin is bondage and that when the Son makes us free we are free indeed, we can look at unacceptable behavior with sadness rather than having aggressive coutnerproductive anger and resentment...  When we understand that all sin is an expressino of bondage, not freedom, wwe can begin to see that God has forgiven us for our acts and choices in our bondage so we are enabled to forggive others in their destrutive bondage.  Neither we nor they deserve forgiveness" -f.a.

So let's say this is right?  How do we move forward?
Step One.
Accept the two realities that will never change (our original sin)
1.  Our hearts are evil (they want us to be at the center)
   
    This means we may continue to feel the same way, for some amount of time anyway, about the things in our lives that have kept us in bondage.
2.  No matter what we do it will never be good enough
Let's read matt 5-7
"the sermon on the mount is not some elevated idea that we are to stretch and strive for but a window through which to see God's kingdom.  It is not a set of rules by which to live but a vision which enables us to DIE to self.  The vision empties us of any confidence or trust in our own center.  Humility is the only appropritate posture before the cost of God's love at the crucifixation.  Only before the cross are we enabled to want and receive the true Center in place of our  own."

Step Two
Confess our sins, including the state of our original sin before the Lord
Confess all the ways in which we place our dependance for our salvation upon things other than Christ.  These are all the things that we are holding onto with CLOSED hands.  Again, it isn't a sin to have something be holding it with an open hand.  If we are truly prepared to have it taken away and submit our will to God then there is nothing for us to confess.

Step Three
Receive his forgiveness
Even though we don't deserve it we are forgiven for the sacrafice that Christ has made for us.  Christ was the perfection that our hearts desire.  He fulfilled the sermon on the mount.

Step Four
Ask for His will to be done in our lives.
Recall the two things he asks us to do -- LOVE him with all of ourselves and LOVE others.  We ask for him to show us how we can Love him through our work, Love him through our families, Love him through our friends, SERVE him.  As C.S. Lewis observed, it's not as though as soon as we become Christians everything in our life radically changes.  It is our ATTITUDE and EXPECTATIONS about life that change dramatically...  And slowly, over time, those desires that we used to hold onto with a closed hand, we're now prepared to hold onto with an open hand.  If it is the Lord's will for them to be fulfilled, WONDERFUL, great, thank Him for blessing you, if it's the Lord's will for them to be taken away, so be it.  He is at the center and his love is perfect.  Because his love is perfect, we can trust him.  Understanding that we live in a broken and fallen world and the place that we need to look to for happiness is Him, not Things.

Step Five
Repeat Step One.

CPP