One word away from a total nervous breakdown

I saw my grandfather for Christmas and he asked what I was doing. He wanted to know where I worked and I tried with a sentence or two to prove that I was somebody he should be proud of. He nodded his head for a while, moderately impressed, and then said, “What about on the education front? Are you going to go to business school? It’s great on the resume.” I responded, “Oh yeah, F*** you, old man!” in my heart; and then said out loud, “Oh yeah, that’s true.  I will look into that. I’m going to get some more eggnog, you?”

What is the problem with my life, grandpa? What am I doing that isn’t good enough? What more do you want from me? Will it ever be enough? Why business school? And who cares about my resume?

I believe that “God’s grace is sufficient for me;” that my “faith is credited to me as righteousness;” but I am one word, one word of law, away from a total nervous breakdown. I know this because all the little words, mere words implying imperfection send me spiraling.

-          My grandfather tells me that he’s disappointed in me.

-          My boss tells me that I need that I need to work on my proofreading.

-          My wife starts crying and I can’t stop it.

-          A stock turns the wrong way.

-          I get lost driving and stuck in horrible traffic.

-          My mother tells me to “be nice.”

-          My fitness level is worse than the year before.  

This is a confession that I am one word away from a total nervous breakdown. My belief in God’s grace is so fragile that almost any word of the law can plunge me into the abyss and send me running to my bed like a child in shame. I wish that I was stronger, but the law is always standing at the door ready to convict me. It is always there ready to tell me that I am not good enough; that nothing I do will ever be good enough; and I am always ready to believe it.

What do I want? I want to not be so easily crushed. I want to hear the law spoken by my grandfather, or mother, or boss and have it fall right off my back. Good luck!

I think that this comes from knowing yourself and knowing that the accusation is true and probably is worse than anybody, even my grandfather, knows: I have not “lived up to my potential”; I could have done things better. What was that story that FitzAllison retold? About a captured allied soldier being questioned and the interrogators asking questions to try and find a point of guilt in the soldier? There was something about the soldier, a Christian, having confessed all the things that were brought against him already- that there was nothing that they could pin on him, to which he hadn’t already confessed a much worse offense. I want to be like that. I want to hear what someone else says and not spiral on down, but know that it is much worse than they know and yet I am forgiven. I want to truly confess my weaknesses- that I beautifully and wonderfully made, but there is “no health in me”. Despite my weaknesses, I know that the work of Jesus on the cross has silenced the demands of the law. “Where, oh death, is your victory? Where oh death, is your sting?” There is nothing that the world can bring against me that the work of Jesus hasn’t already satisfied.  Jesus has silenced the demands of the law. The law, the power of death, no longer have a grip on me. “For the law brings wrath, but where there is no law there is no transgression.” Praise be to God, through Jesus Christ.  

forgetting

most mornings i wake up with a determined sense that "i've got to get stuff done today." as though somehow my agenda can reshape all the ways in which the things i did wrong yesterday can be made right today... but it seems like the harder i try, the worse it gets.

the more i think about it, the worse i think most religions are at having something to say to the loser. i mean what happens when you lose? what happens when your best isn't good enough? when your cancer isn't going to recede? when your father just won't love you? when your wife knows you're a failure as a husband?

most everyone in the world you'd go to for advice under any of those circumstances offers a cursory set of solutions:

"just keep trying"
"just hold on, it will get better"
"it's not that bad"
"let's come up with a plan of action"

but what if you're really at the end of your rope? i know i've been there. when you're at the end of your rope, there's nothing a motivational speech is really gonna do. you might reluctantly coax yourself to get out of bed, but in your heart, you know that that the pain of your shame from failure or the pain of life's sometimes horrible realities can become insufferable. if you wait long enough, maybe you'll forget, but that's certainly not a stable reality.

i realize that lately, i've been under attack. i have been taking for granted that since i might understand intellectually some (though certainly NOT all) of the things going on in my heart, that i have them "under control." those are demons that since i've "brought to light," i "don't need to worry about anymore."

but, of course, that simply isn't true... i'm really under attack. i feel pressure to perform at every level in my life -- to be a good husband, to be a good caretaker for my firm, to be a good father, to serve the church, to scribble on this blog... to be good.

but i'm not good. i'm a failure. and i KNOW it and no stupid aphorism about "trying harder" will sedate the pain of my heart from understanding that.

Christianity has something to say me. the message of the gospel begins well before i would have started my measurements for a self-assessment test. Christianity starts with the basic supposition that

1. i've already failed.
2. Trying is evidence of my failure.

see when i forget that i already failed, i try harder... i think i have to do something to "make things better." but no human can do that... i mean PRACTICALLY, of course i can do little things, but the big things in life -- where will i work, will i get sick, will my family be ok... the things that MATTER and give shape to life... all those things are well beyond my control. so i try to ignore them and "focus on the things i can control." but even those things aren't really under my control and so because i spend all my time focusing on the uncontrollables that i THINK i can control, i wind up half crazy and totally discouraged.

God's standard across everything is perfection. It is that simple. It is not a half-measure. it is not just being "better than the other 99%" It is perfect.

I keep forgetting that. i keep thinking that i haven't really failed. that each day is a new slate and that trying harder will fix something. but the ARROGANCE of that presumption is all the evidence God needs to condemn me... who am i to challenge God? who am I to challenge his standards? they are absolute, not relative. i have no hope to meet any of them. what a pathetic little pion i am to even try to do it on my own.

Christianity actually STARTS with the message that our failure is real and concrete. life's agonies are undeniable and shouldn't be surprising in a broken world with broken people... life is hard.

i think richard rohr puts it best actualy:

"Understanding that your life is not about you is the connection point with everything else. it lowers the mountains and fills the valley that we have created... I am grateful to be a part -- and only a part! i do not have to figure it all out, straight it all out, or even do it perfectly by myself. i do not have to be God. It is an enormous weight off your back."

so i confess. i forgot this morning. i forgot that i'd already failed, before i even began... that i fall short of God's standard... that i'm in desperate need of His grace. that when i woke up today, it wasn't my "goal" to love God, but to "use" him to serve my own ideas about what will make "me better" or the "world better" or whatever idiot scheme i had in mind. i let the world's demands and demons... the world's ridiculous and ephemeral and changing standards be my benchmark and not God's. I am sorry.

please pray for this peccator. God, I ask you to help me engage in community, to seek out and confess all that nags at my heart, to give my life into Your hands. I ask you help me to do nothing but through your strength. Help my life be a simple testimony to two certain facts 1) my inadequacy and 2) your unending grace. What can I really be hoping for if not greater commune with you? How miserable and insufficient any other desire would be...

CPP

my christmas miracle(s)

I was reading the passage in exodus where Moses, with the Lord’s power, begins performing a series of miracles in an effort to convince the Pharaoh to release the Hebrews from bondage… I noticed something that, as usual, I missed the first time I approached this text. For the first several miracles, even though they are clearly achieved by God enabling Moses (and Aaron), the “sorcerers and magicians” of the Pharaoh are able to replicate the same results.

For instance:

“So Aaron stretched out his hand over the waters of Egypt, and the frogs came up and covered the land. But the magicians did the same things by their secret arts; they also made frogs come up on the land of Egypt.”

The somewhat predictable result is that wonder of God’s first few miracles are lost on the Pharaoh and “he hardened his heart and would not listen to Moses.” It isn’t until God produces a series of increasingly complex miracles that the magi can’t replicate that anyone dares to point the Pharaoh to the inevitable conclusion that “’This is the finger of God.’” Of course, even this interpretation is wrong, because it was the finger of God the WHOLE time, not just in that singular instance… After a series of refusals, the Pharaoh eventually cedes to the sovereign demands of God to release the Hebrews (though we all know he quickly changes his mind on this).

What struck me as I read this was how often am I just like the Pharaoh and the Magi? How often am I witnessing the daily miracle of God and assuming that it’s from my own power or human power?
Sadly, I know the answer. It’s all the time.

It is only in moments of extreme stress or circumstance that God’s miracles become apparent to me. Of course, He is REALLY with me all the time; daily performing miracles... In fact, given how corrupt my heart is, it’s a miracle that I don’t get into even worse trouble than I do. God is constantly saving me from situations where he knows I would fall short… and yet I consistently pat myself on the back for my “self-discipline” when I should instead be praising the “finger of God.”

Lord, I pray that you would help me to be more aware, more present in being a witness to ALL of your miracles. I know I want to take them for granted, assume that all is being done under my own power, but help me recognize that your benevolent hand is with me each day and in each moment. Help me to be mindful and grateful – aware of your awesome life-giving power and wonderful love for your creation, despite its persistently malfunctioning heart. Praise God.

CPP

I need a friend of sinners

The hardest part about confession is admitting that I am not who I thought I was. Sometimes the incident that puts me over the edge is too brutal to even confess; to painful to admit the event that hit me in the face like fist, or showed who I was like a mirror. I don’t know how the alcoholic gets up at a meeting and does true confession. I don’t know how they get up and say, “That’s right. I stole money from my kid’s piggy bank to buy booze” or whatever it is- at a moment when it seemed like it couldn’t get any worse it did. And maybe that’s why people don’t go to AA. Maybe that’s why people quit cold turkey, to avoid the pain of confession, of admitting how low you have been and have potential to go, on any given day, for your whole life.

Well, I don’t want to be a dry drunk. I don’t want to go on with my life and pretend like I’m not stepping over dead bodies to get to the kitchen every morning. I want to be human. I want to admit that I am not who I say I am. I am a hypocrite. I want to admit that I’m not better than anyone else. I am just as bad. I want to admit that I don’t do the things that I should do and every time that I say in my head that I will never do that again I do it the next night or the next week and I do it worse than before. My will power is weak. Most of all, I am sorry for the ways that I cover it up and hide it. I am also sorry for the ways that I look down on others who are “weaker” than I am, people who merely can’t cover it up or control it at the right time the same way that I can. I am sorry that I look down on those people as if I can’t relate.

I need help to admit my weakness and not hide it. I have heard that “God’s strength is made perfect in my weakness.” I have heard that God is a friend of sinners. I have heard that he is strong when I am weak; that the poor are rich in him; that he loves me no matter what. Please help me to be weak and trust in you for all things. I don’t want to rely on my self, on my own ability to perform. Please help me to be weak, to be poor, to stand with the sinners. Please let me know your love and forgiveness for a poor, weak, fragile, lonely, lame, desperate, empty man.    

fix-it girl

I have always been mechanical, well, for a girl. I am (pardon my pride) exceptional at setting up printers, assembling bookshelves, super-gluing, moving large pieces of furniture, unscrewing tight lids, etc. Most people find these attributes surprising given my stature and personality. Nevertheless, I find a sense of self-worth in being able to complete mundane tasks. Pathetic, I know. Unfortunately my "I can fix it" complex compels me to attempt to handle life's problems all on my own. Though un-screwing a tight lid does not require prayer or fasting, I all too often dismiss my need for the Lord's guidance and strength while in the throws of life's tight lids--the really tough, tight lids of losing loved ones, and complicated family dynamics, and facing new opportunities.  Sure, I recognize my need for more prayer and scripture during these times; however, after the prayers have been uttered and the scriptures have been read, I find that my heart continues to ache and my mind continues to churn, pumping out possible scenarios and alternatives for facing the challenges ahead. Why can't I simply "be still and know that He is God?" Why must I routinely cast myself in the role of head mechanic? Can't I lean on His "ever present help in times of trouble" and find rest in His "good, pleasing, and perfect will?" Today, I pray that this peccator could cast away her pride and ambition, and focus on His almighty power, His perfect peace, and His infinite wisdom, so that I may rest in His assurance that He indeed has plans to give me "hope and a future."
>
> RSP

fat and happy

candidly, in the last few weeks, i have noticed a worrying trend...  self-satisfaction.  it's not always obvious, but can perniciously show up in many different ways.  often, i will give verbal acknowledgement to my need for God and for His grace, but, in my heart, i feel:  


"i'm not really that bad.  i think i've got this thing figured out.  things are under control..."


this pattern of behavior for me is sadly too common.  i will go through a cycle of genuine stress during which my need for the Lord is transparent...  in those moments, i feel acutely aware of my need for His love and the connection to His grace -- i am temporarily brought to peace by being driven to my knees and reminded of His presence and promise.  


soon enough; however, i have forgotten the heartfelt transformation that comes through my confession and gratitude for His sacrifice and i am back to "doing it myself."  why is it so hard for me to stay mentally present with the Lord?  i am constantly "compartmentalizing" my faith and looking instead to create a false moment in life where i am "fat and happy" -- where everything is going well and there is no stress.  what a falsely stable sense of security...  how much better for me would it be to live instead in constant stress and transparent need...  continuously receiving the gift of Grace with little claim available to my own righteousness?  


someone once said to me, "you know, CPP, the only thing people have in life to give them any real security is some money."  in one sense for many, i suppose he was right, but in another, much more meaningful sense, he was completely wrong... how quickly, at least in my case, a "little bit of money" becomes another obligation that _I_ have to manage.   _I_ have to protect.  _I_ have to grow.  it becomes an idol for me so fast that i'm worried about losing it well before there is any credible reason to fear its loss.  i'm in total bondage to it.  fat and happy, indeed...  more like fat and delusional.  


as C.S. Lewis observed, "Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak.  We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea.  We are far too easily pleased."


and why do i do this?  why do i insist on coming apart from God and chasing after butterflies?  because my heart is selfish and broken.  i want everything -- i want comfort without pain, i want security without sacrifice, i want righteousness to exist where only sin lives...  so i confess my heart's greed to live apart from the Lord.  i confess that, try as i might, i can't seem to live in the tension that my faith demands; to allow the Holy Spirit to do good works through me, but without me claiming credit.  please pray for me.  please help me remember that the only real satisfaction in life is found in my relationship with Jesus -- who mediates my relationships with all people and things in this broken world and promises the perfection i am really after with Him in His kingdom.


CPP
    

The Ends Justify the Means

I have my heart set on being king- to have the most money, to have the highest title, and if I had it all… to be the fastest bike rider in the world. And in order to get there I will do anything to anyone and hardly blink an eye. This was made especially clear to me when I decided to quit marathoning and start bike racing. I bought a bike and immediately started putting on heavy mileage. I would go out for 4-5 hours on Saturday and Sunday. Everyday I would wake up early and wake up my increasingly frustrated wife on the way out. My wife would want to have breakfast with me, but I would respond, “Sorry honey, DRP has to get his fitness level up. There are only a few months before the first CAT 5 race of the season. I’ve got to get ready.”

I was humbled by a review a couple months ago of “The Doper Next Door: My Strange and Scandalous Year on Performance Enhancing Drugs.” A year on steroids finishing middle of the pack in CAT 4 (low low amateur) bike races: to what end! To write a book, I guess. But me, I don’t need performance enhancing drugs to help me ruin my life. I can ruin my life all by myself. And I’ll do it in order to finish middle of the pack in an amateur cycling race. In order to be the best, I’ll show up to work late; I’ll postpone time with my wife; I’ll go to the emergency room because of a fall in New Jersey; I’ll swear at European pedestrians who get in my way while I am doing hill repeats. What won't I do?

For me, it doesn’t stop at bike racing either. How else do I do it? My boss has recently been reaching out to me and my wife. He had us over for dinner. He invited his friends over to meet us. And all I kept thinking was “When is the right time to ditch this guy? When is the right time to leave and go somewhere else?” Someone asks about him or his work and I immediately think to criticize rather than praise. “He’s ok,” I say, “A little bit sloppy, but I clean up his messes.” Never do I lead with praise. The first thing that pops into my head is always how to criticize and make myself look better. And, for what? For my own sake, of course! I want to finish slightly better than the middle of the pack in my job. It like my bike race, I will cut off five people, cause a crash (maybe get in a crash) to try and finish 12^th rather than 16^th. What kindof person am I?

I am a person that believes that the ends justify the means. I want to get ahead. To where, I don’t know. But I will do anything to get there.

The Sermon on the Mount says that the ends do not justify the means in heaven. Even worse than just saying “It matters how you do it” like my mother might say, it says, “It is what you are thinking about that matters.” My thoughts betray me. My instinct is never towards heavenly things or other people, but my instinct is like an animal who wants to kill and eat. I want to climb any ladder I can no matter where it goes and no matter who I have to climb over. I want to be king.

Lord, Have mercy on me and despicable sinner. Nothing I do is good. Those things that I don’t want to do and the things that I want to do, I have no power to do them.  Please have mercy on me.

a bad patient

so my entire family got sick over the holidays...  it started with my one year old son throwing up and quickly spread like the plague to everyone in our house.  even my mother-in-law who rushed in at the last minute to help care for all of us (and who was diligent in washing and wearing protective gear), got tackled by this stomach bug.

anyway, the point is not to gather sympathy for our illness (though i would appreciate any spare turkey as we ate none), but instead to confess a realization that i had during the holiday.  there i was, thanksgiving morning, completely helpless, covered in my own filth and in desperate need of care.  the bug was so debilitating that it transcended any effort i might even want to make to help myself; i simply HAD to ask.  and yet how did i ask for that help?  begrudgingly.  and so that is when it hit me -- i am a really bad patient.

see, i confess that i am a bad patient.  i also confess that i only realize now that this is not a good thing.  for years, i took pride in being a "bad sick person" as a fact about myself.
"i can manage very well thank you.  i HATE being sick, but i can tough this out."
in short, illness was another chance for me demonstrate how capable i am of overcoming "things" on my own.  my horrible, insidious pride constantly fights for a claim to righteousness even in the midst of illness.  how screwed up is that?

and, yet, sometime early in the morning of thanksgiving day, probably 2 or 3am, as i was curled up in the shower, puking again for the umpteenth time, something struck me -- this might be how God sees me in my relationship with Him.  in fact, this MUST be how God sees me.  i am a sinner.  i fall so short of the demands of the law and am in desperate need of help.  i am covered in moral filth and in bondage to myself...  yet, how often, even when the Lord's grace is available to me do i accept it begrudgingly?  how often is it a reluctant confession that springs from my lips, only after it is has been clearly revealed to me that i can't possibly hope to help myself?

it turns out of course that the gospel has something to say to all of us about our moral health -- we all have the stomach bug.  me, maybe more than most... and yet there is infinite care, hope, peace and joy for our souls available through Jesus who reconciles us to the Father.

so my prayer is that i might understand the reality of my moral condition...  understand the desperate nature of my plight and that i gladly, joyfully and without hesitation renounce any claims to righteousness and receive the message of the gospel into my heart.  Lord, please help me to be a better patient in physical illness, but most importantly in confessing my need for your grace.  i know perfection is impossible, but help heal my heart of its insidious demands to self-justify.    

CPP

Charlie Brown Christmas

We all grew up watching the classic Christmas specials, Rudolph, Frosty, the Grinch, Santa Claus is Coming to Town and so on. My favorite though was always Charlie Brown. I don’t think I really knew why it was my favorite then and I can’t say for certain that I know now. I am pretty sure it has to with the scene where Linus answers Charlie Brown’s question “isn’t there anyone who knows what Christmas is all about” (you can see it here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DKk9rv2hUfA). Linus recites a passage from the Gospel according to Luke that is so simple and yet so powerful. To this day it still inspires me.

And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night.

And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them; and they were sore afraid.

And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.

For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord.

And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.

And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying,

Glory to God in the highest,

and on earth peace,

good will toward men.

I have three kids and I get the feeling I am not doing a very good job at setting the right example of what Christmas is supposed to be all about. I try to explain to my kids that Christmas is a time to think of others and not just themselves. I try to teach them that Christmas is the celebration of the birth of our Savior, Jesus Christ. I try to teach them that Christmas is a time to enjoy being with friends and family. Instead things tend to gravitate towards Christmas lists and Santa Claus. My wife and I try to make a concerted effort not to spoil our kids on Christmas, we do our best not to go overboard with presents. That said, we ultimately fail end up trying to make them happy with material things. It is no wonder why so many people feel empty after Christmas is over. We celebrate the wrong things. I am guilty of this.

I pray this Christmas season I can at the very least begin to help my kids to understand what Christmas is really is about. To be honest I can’t say for sure that I truly know but I’ve got a pretty good idea that it has more than a little to do with Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.

BDP

Internal vs. External

I wake up every morning, shower, brush my teeth, comb my hair and make myself look presentable. I deodorize myself, put on appropriate clothes, and go to my job. On the outside I am doing right, walking the right way, containing the right emotions and revealing the appropriate ones.

Yet, on the inside it is different. My mind races, it can’t remember all of the rules. I hate my job. I wish I was somewhere else. I don’t want to go to work. I don’t want to do anything. An angry voice talks to me as I run through Central Park, “Why did she do that to you, DRP? Do they never think about anyone but themselves, DRP? Why do you put up with them? Don’t you know that you could do better?” The voice goes so fast that sometimes I can’t follow it. “Where did that come from? What are you even talking about?” I ask the voice, feeling a little bit afraid of what he will say back. The voice goes on and on and then eventually quiets itself. It becomes quiet for no reason and I know that it will come back again for no reason.

On the outside I am stable, but on the inside a war rages in which I am powerless to defend. On the outside I am stable, but on the inside I am fragile. On the outside my words are friendly and kind, but on the inside they are harsh and mean. On the outside I am content, but on the inside I am bitter and angry. On the outside I am content, but on the inside I wish I was someone else.

DRP

rage against the machine

I have a bad habit of getting angry, irritated and impatient.  I'm quick to claim "injustice has been served."  Over and over, my pride rages at back-handed insults and being placed in the "wrong" seat at the table ("don't they know who I am?").

I resolve to be a humble servant of the lord, but my heart is not prepared to make the concessions that God demands.  It remains my secret hope to be judged on a curve.  "well my sin isn't as bad as his sin...  well at least i don't do what that guy does...  look at all the money i gave away..."  I just can't give up on the idea that I am not SOMEHOW contributing to my righteousness.  and so I rage.  I take offense.  I get angry.  My pride makes me indignant.

the truth, of course, is that God looks at all offenses the same...  the demands of the law are perfection and i fall woefully short.

i confess my anger and self-righteousness.  i pray for the humility that comes with being broken.  not the false humility of "i'm so humble," but the humility of desperation.  the humility that recognizes my own inability to do anything to help myself...  Lord help me to see the futility of my efforts, the ugliness of my rage and the sin in my heart.  God's love overcomes all things when we submit ourselves to his authority.  i pray that i might stop denying my ability to control myself or the world and simply obey.

As Bonhoeffer observed:

"The man who disobeys cannot believe, for only he who obeys can believe...The gracious call of Jesus now becomes a stern command: DO THIS!  GIVE UP THAT!  LEAVE THE SHIP AND COME TO ME!"

Lord, help me to see myself as you see me -- a broken sinner without hope.  Help me to give up on myself.  I know I will fail in this, though that does not excuse my response to your call...  Lord thank you for loving such a peccator.

CPP

the sins of the father

UGH!  I can't stop.  I just can't stop cursing.

I tell myself over and over again that I want to stop, I'm ready to stop...  but it just seems to "come out."  Each time I get animated or excited about a subject those F-bombs just naturally sneak into my conversation.

When I was younger, I used to think it was clever.  I can remember when I was very young, the first few times I felt at liberty to curse.  I was away from home, with friends...  There was no one to "stop me" from using foul language.  I reveled in inventing new nasty little combinations of words.  It all seemed so harmless.  Heck, it was exciting -- knowingly violating a social taboo.  It was freedom!

Now, here I am...  In my thirties with a young son and I can't stop.  I am in bondage.  My heart is still wrapped up in the "fun" of violating the rules.  It is so ugly and insidious.  I tell myself I want to stop... but do i really?  My heart still yearns to be unbound, to experience that first rush of "freedom" that came from "breaking the rules" and "being independent."  The reality of it all is much harsher -- I sound like a drunken sailor.  I sound violent, mean, arrogant, and abrasive;  worse, I sound like a bitter and cynical person who doesn't know the glory of Christ.  I can't stop myself and soon enough I am going to ruin my son with my own sin.  

Please pray for me.  Pray for awareness.  Help me to understand what I am doing isn't "funny" or "clever" or "freeing."  I know I am powerless against my own heart.  I throw myself at the mercy of Christ, who forgives me despite my never-ending offenses.  I confess my broken heart and broken mouth.

CPP

laws of perspective...

Yesterday I got an art lesson for the first time in 15 years. Don’t ask me why I set it up, I just did. A lot of “strange things” happen when Christianity removes the fear of failure or judgment from yourself or others. God made each of us uniquely and gives us gifts so that we may love Him and love others creatively.

Before my lesson, I spent several weeks sketching in a notepad. I would draw bottles or children’s toys or whatever was lying around the house. In all candor, especially accounting for my rustiness, I thought I was pretty good.

“Not bad. Not bad at all. I’m getting the hang of this.”

I am sure it will shock you to hear, but my instructor took one look at my notebook and promptly decided that I was not, in fact, the second coming of Leonardo da Vinci. See over the years, I’ve forgotten a few of the laws of perspective -- concepts such as horizon lines or vanishing points. These rules were distant echoes in my memory. I vaguely understood that you couldn’t just freeform, but I couldn't remember exactly. Regardless, I certainly felt like I was being truthful to what I was seeing. 

The truth was much harsher -- I had just made up my own laws of perspective. So while I thought I was making faithful representations of the objects in the room, I was really manipulating them beyond all recognition. What is more alarming, I actually thought they were accurate. It turns out that while I thought I was being creative, I had turned myself into a creator...  Stuff gets screwed up quickly when I try to replace God’s laws of nature with my laws.  And so, the instructor and I spent the bulk of the first lesson simply relearning the basic laws of perspective.

In the same way, I wonder how often it is I’m also inventing my own laws for living.  How frequently do I think I’m pleasing my own Creator, when actually what I’m doing couldn’t be further from His desires? I’m scared to know the answer, but secretly, I know it is far too often. My heart is so eager to be self-satisfied and it is frightening how easily our own eyes and judgment can lie to us.

Praise the Lord for reminding me in Scripture, during the sermon on the Mount, that each of us falls short of God’s laws. He knows, that we are poor judges of ourselves, so He spells it out for us. In that passage, we are each condemned through our imperfections...  There is no wiggling around it.

Yet, though we may be never-ending failures in the Law, we are joyously reminded of our need for Him and the forgiveness that is always available to us because of what Jesus has done.

I pray that I might call myself back to the Sermon on the Mount, whenever I begin to feel self-satisfied; for in that scripture, the real satisfaction that my heart longs for (the love of our Creator) can be found. Praise the Lord!

CPP

Here, there, and everywhere

"Are you all right, you seem sad and distracted?"

So it happened again this morning, my wife and I were playing with our one-year-old son and she caught me gazing off into the distance. I don't mean literally gazing the distance, but certainly wherever I was I wasn't there. My mind had wandered again to the day's distractions. This happens to me a lot, far too often I confess.

There are so many times in my life, looking back, where I have allowed anxieties about the future or worries about to do lists, distract me from the beauty and wonder of that God given moment. There is a reason that God encourages me to ask only for my daily bread -- he knows that my heart is too broken to try to process any more than that in a sitting. And yet, still, I can't seem to help myself. Over and over again, I insist on focusing on the (apparently) urgent and not the important. It is my heart's firm desire to contribute to my own salvation -- sitting just never came naturally to me. The world applauds this habit but the Lord weeps over it.

I am not suggesting that it is God's intention for us to sit around and do nothing; Christianity is anything but a passive religion and fully engages in the world.. Instead, before we do anything, we are asked to remember our position as sinners -- we are simultaneously incapable of doing anything to improve our standing before the Lord (which is the only standing that really matters) and yet through the power of the Holy Spirit capable of doing anything and everything. Whenever I approach my day without a firm grasp on the humility that my position demands, I end up getting distracted. I think that I am in control and that if I don't focus on all my tasks then the world or at least my little world will fall apart... what an obviously sad and false assumption.  

I miss so much of what is good in life through my distraction. Will it ever be possible for me to live in the apparent tension of respecting God's commands for my life (to love him and to love others) and to be present in the moment?  But of course it is...  I am just making a false assumption in my question; I am implying a false dichotomy. God's command is quite clear: love others. I'm sitting there with my son and my wife. Nothing on my agenda for the day should distract me from that moment.  My command is clear!

Of course we all know that any resolution that I make to follow this tact I will inevitably break. That is just the human condition. So I ask for your prayers.

Lord help this sinner be present and grateful for each of the moments you give me. Help me to be mindful of the simple question, "am I loving others in this moment?" Please forgive me in advance for all the times I know I'm going to fail.

CPP

Why can’t I bounce back?

Emily Dickinson Poem 688

“Speech” – is a prank of Parliament –

“Tears – is a trick of the nerve –

But the Heart with the heaviest freight on –

Doesn't – always – move –

I remember being 10 years old playing hockey. I played defense. A kid would get pass me and score a goal and I would go to the bench with my head hung low. I would try to bounce back; try to forget it and move on, but I couldn’t get rid of that feeling. I couldn’t get rid of that feeling of being beat, of losing. I couldn’t shed it. I would try to go faster on the next play; try not to make the same mistake again, but if I couldn’t redeem myself than I was still in that place, head hung low, another goal scored on me. Why did I let that guy get by me? How could I have made that mistake? How could I have made that mistake again? I even remember my dad saying, “Come on DRP, bounce back! Forget about the last period, it's over."

I still say that to myself, “Come on DRP, bounce back! Snap out of it!” And sometimes it works. Sometimes I can forget the mistakes that I made, not worry about it, brush it off. But I am still plagued by the same inability to shrug off failure as I was when I was ten.

Sometimes my way out is distraction. Pick something else up. Go for a run DRP. Ride a bike DRP. Do pushups until you can’t even open a door DRP. But  my heart doesn’t always move. Going for a run only helps a little bit. Hanging out with friends or going for a bike ride only helps a little bit. It cheers me up, but doesn’t really move my heart. If only these things could move my heart, make it all go away, then I would be better. Then I could bounce back.

The mistakes that I made when I was ten on the hockey rink, the mistakes that I make at work or with my wife; my unpreparedness for having a child and fear of making future mistakes;  these are all a sign of a deeper issue- that I am imperfect. And my imperfection is the last thing that I want to face. I am imperfect through and through and forever, no matter what. I am imperfect and there is nothing I can do to change that and it is really hard to forget it.

Lord have mercy on me. For you know my heart and where it rests- as a true peccator.

I don't know how to pray

I don’t know to pray. Allow me to put it another way, I pray for all the wrong reasons. Let me go even further, when I pray the hardest it is because I want something. The point in my life when I prayed the most began during the summer of 1997. For all the wrong reasons the summer of 1997 was a major turning point in my life because in the summer of 1997 my mother was diagnosed with leukemia. I don’t remember the exact day but it was a Friday in late July or early August. I was taking the bus from Boston to Portland to visit my family for the weekend. It was the summer between my junior and senior year in college. I was working in Boston. It was the first summer that I had not spent at home - knowing what I know now I wish I had gone home. When I got off the bus in Portland my father did not come out of the car to meet. I knew that something was wrong. I remember getting into the front seat of my father’s car, him giving me a hug and telling me that my mother had been diagnosed with leukemia. “Diagnosed with leukemia” are easily the three worst words I’ve ever heard. From that moment until July 3, 1998, the day my mother died, I prayed multiple times a day. Whenever I had a few minutes I found myself praying. I prayed to God and asked him repeatedly to let my mother live, to save her life.

What is obvious to me now is that I was praying for myself. I should have been asking God to accept my mother into his kingdom. I should have been confessing my sins to god so that one day I would be able to join her. But I didn’t do that. I prayed to God asking him to save my mother’s life. Foolishly I offered God little bribes if he would save her life. I promised to be a better Christian. I promised to be a better person. I promised things that couldn’t possibly ever deliver on. I never once offered myself completely to God, I don’t think it ever even crossed my mind.

After my mother died I didn’t pray for a long time. I’m not sure if I was angry at God or angry at myself. I was certainly angry. I felt like I had been cheated. Of course reflecting back on it I think I was angry with myself. I could have been a better son in countless ways that are not worth go through here. I don’t think I was angry at God for not answering my prayers, I was angry at myself. But here’s the thing. I think that God may have in fact answered my prayer. I think he did save my mother’s life but not in the way I was asking him. I believe that mother is with God in his kingdom right now and I pray that I will be able to see her again someday.

So after all of this you would think that I’ve learned my lesson about praying. I haven’t. I am sinner and I cannot fix myself. I continue to make the same mistakes repeatedly. When I pray I continue to pray for myself and the things that I want. The prayers may be disguised so that is appears that I am praying for others but there is no fooling God, he sees right through that. So I will continue to make an effort to pray for others before myself but I know I will continue to fail at this.

Pray for me and I will do my best to pray for you.

BDP

hearing test

for the last several weeks my wife has repeatedly told me i need to make an appointment to go get my hearing checked.  she has asked me to do this because with increasing frequency i simply dont understand what she says when she talks to me.  our conversations are like a game of telephone where the message transmitted on one end is twisted and convulted by the time it arrives at the other.

"honey can you handle the utility bills?"  - her

"you want me to clean the window sills?" - me

this mini-comedy routine has happened one too many times to be considered a coincidence in her mind.  she is convinced there must be something wrong with my hearing.

sadly, i think she is right.  i think there is something wrong with my hearing, but worse, there is something DEEPLY wrong with my listening.  i don't listen to my wife.  she will tell me things and even when i hear them, i am not really listening.

"honey, i'm not feeling well, i would really just like to rest " - her

"great, so i'm going to go ahead and make dinner plans with so and so for us and then maybe we can go to the movies together." -me

THAT routine is much more alarming and happens with much more frequency than my mechanical misinterpretation of her statements.  hearing, listening, refusing to understand....  i do this to my wife all the time.  for this problem, i need more than a doctor.

yes, yes, i'll go to a doctor to get my hearing checked.  i am willing to bet $1000 that my hearing is perfectly fine -- the issue is really one of my corrupt and selfish heart.  how often when my wife is talking to me am i absorbed in a book?  or my ipad?  or my blackberry?  am i giving her my full attention?  almost never.  i take our conversations for granted and am nearly always thinking about what _I_ need and want to do next (my agenda) and not fully engaging with her.  in those rare moments when i do engage, i catch a glimpse of her beautiful heart and i start to realize how often she is really telling me something quite different from what i am interpreting.  how many frustrating moments, days, and weeks could our marriage avoid if i could just stop being somewhere else when we talked?  i am just so selfish.

Jesus is the mediator in all relationships.  His death and resurrection redirected all the relationships in my life, including my marriage, through Him.  when i insert anything between Him and me, i end up screwing things up. in this case, and most importantly, because my wife is the most important person in the world to me, i can't stop screwing up with my wife.

so i am confessing that i have listening problem.  a genuine problem caused by my corrupt and selfish heart...  a heart that is so focused on getting what IT wants that it refuses to disengage with its selfish pursuits long enough to listen to my wife.  i know that i can't change it.  i know that i need to confess my need for help from the Holy Spirit.  there is no 5 step plan for me to follow...  all my own efforts to change will ultimately fall short. i need to be aware of my need, confess it, repent, repeat, almost certainly for the rest of my days.

so i ask for your prayers and for encouragement...  i pray that i might be honest enough to see when i am not listening, i pray not to react self-righteously when i (or more likely my wife) identify these incidents.   i pray that i don't "defend" my heart by claiming "i'm too busy" or "its just this one blackberry message that is so important i cant pay attention."  lastly i pray that i will immediately confess my need and inability to overcome myself before the Lord and therefore my wife.  through Him all things are possible -- even turning this wax-eared peccator into a good listener.  my hope, as always, rests in Him.

pray for me.

CPP