The Ends Justify the Means

I have my heart set on being king- to have the most money, to have the highest title, and if I had it all… to be the fastest bike rider in the world. And in order to get there I will do anything to anyone and hardly blink an eye. This was made especially clear to me when I decided to quit marathoning and start bike racing. I bought a bike and immediately started putting on heavy mileage. I would go out for 4-5 hours on Saturday and Sunday. Everyday I would wake up early and wake up my increasingly frustrated wife on the way out. My wife would want to have breakfast with me, but I would respond, “Sorry honey, DRP has to get his fitness level up. There are only a few months before the first CAT 5 race of the season. I’ve got to get ready.”

I was humbled by a review a couple months ago of “The Doper Next Door: My Strange and Scandalous Year on Performance Enhancing Drugs.” A year on steroids finishing middle of the pack in CAT 4 (low low amateur) bike races: to what end! To write a book, I guess. But me, I don’t need performance enhancing drugs to help me ruin my life. I can ruin my life all by myself. And I’ll do it in order to finish middle of the pack in an amateur cycling race. In order to be the best, I’ll show up to work late; I’ll postpone time with my wife; I’ll go to the emergency room because of a fall in New Jersey; I’ll swear at European pedestrians who get in my way while I am doing hill repeats. What won't I do?

For me, it doesn’t stop at bike racing either. How else do I do it? My boss has recently been reaching out to me and my wife. He had us over for dinner. He invited his friends over to meet us. And all I kept thinking was “When is the right time to ditch this guy? When is the right time to leave and go somewhere else?” Someone asks about him or his work and I immediately think to criticize rather than praise. “He’s ok,” I say, “A little bit sloppy, but I clean up his messes.” Never do I lead with praise. The first thing that pops into my head is always how to criticize and make myself look better. And, for what? For my own sake, of course! I want to finish slightly better than the middle of the pack in my job. It like my bike race, I will cut off five people, cause a crash (maybe get in a crash) to try and finish 12^th rather than 16^th. What kindof person am I?

I am a person that believes that the ends justify the means. I want to get ahead. To where, I don’t know. But I will do anything to get there.

The Sermon on the Mount says that the ends do not justify the means in heaven. Even worse than just saying “It matters how you do it” like my mother might say, it says, “It is what you are thinking about that matters.” My thoughts betray me. My instinct is never towards heavenly things or other people, but my instinct is like an animal who wants to kill and eat. I want to climb any ladder I can no matter where it goes and no matter who I have to climb over. I want to be king.

Lord, Have mercy on me and despicable sinner. Nothing I do is good. Those things that I don’t want to do and the things that I want to do, I have no power to do them.  Please have mercy on me.