fat and happy

candidly, in the last few weeks, i have noticed a worrying trend...  self-satisfaction.  it's not always obvious, but can perniciously show up in many different ways.  often, i will give verbal acknowledgement to my need for God and for His grace, but, in my heart, i feel:  


"i'm not really that bad.  i think i've got this thing figured out.  things are under control..."


this pattern of behavior for me is sadly too common.  i will go through a cycle of genuine stress during which my need for the Lord is transparent...  in those moments, i feel acutely aware of my need for His love and the connection to His grace -- i am temporarily brought to peace by being driven to my knees and reminded of His presence and promise.  


soon enough; however, i have forgotten the heartfelt transformation that comes through my confession and gratitude for His sacrifice and i am back to "doing it myself."  why is it so hard for me to stay mentally present with the Lord?  i am constantly "compartmentalizing" my faith and looking instead to create a false moment in life where i am "fat and happy" -- where everything is going well and there is no stress.  what a falsely stable sense of security...  how much better for me would it be to live instead in constant stress and transparent need...  continuously receiving the gift of Grace with little claim available to my own righteousness?  


someone once said to me, "you know, CPP, the only thing people have in life to give them any real security is some money."  in one sense for many, i suppose he was right, but in another, much more meaningful sense, he was completely wrong... how quickly, at least in my case, a "little bit of money" becomes another obligation that _I_ have to manage.   _I_ have to protect.  _I_ have to grow.  it becomes an idol for me so fast that i'm worried about losing it well before there is any credible reason to fear its loss.  i'm in total bondage to it.  fat and happy, indeed...  more like fat and delusional.  


as C.S. Lewis observed, "Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak.  We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea.  We are far too easily pleased."


and why do i do this?  why do i insist on coming apart from God and chasing after butterflies?  because my heart is selfish and broken.  i want everything -- i want comfort without pain, i want security without sacrifice, i want righteousness to exist where only sin lives...  so i confess my heart's greed to live apart from the Lord.  i confess that, try as i might, i can't seem to live in the tension that my faith demands; to allow the Holy Spirit to do good works through me, but without me claiming credit.  please pray for me.  please help me remember that the only real satisfaction in life is found in my relationship with Jesus -- who mediates my relationships with all people and things in this broken world and promises the perfection i am really after with Him in His kingdom.


CPP