i just forgot. i forget a lot. i seem to forget almost all the time.
people say programs like Alcohol Anon are so effective because they don't attempt to cure the incurable. they start with the basic supposition that once grabbed by the disease, someone will permanently and forever be haunted by it... the basic steps of recovery include:
1) recognizing permanent vulnerability to the disease
2) confessing it in a community
3) taking it a day at a time
i have a lot to learn from this. i forget that i need help each day. i might go to bed at night at peace -- but wake up early the next morning completely stressed about the future... about my career, my marriage, my kid, my health... soon my back is in knots and i'm near panic. i'm very often caught off-guard by this.
"i just can't believe that i'm actually this stressed."
"things really aren't getting to me, i'm fine."
i am surprised that i'm surprised.
in its own way of course, this just reveals both how naive i am about myself and arrogant. i seem to think that i can overcome the worries of this life on my own. i seem to believe that i'm a mini-buddah... but i'm not buddah. i'm a peccator. a big peccator. my strength isn't sufficient for anything. why do i keep forgetting?
the Lord's prayer speaks directly to what i need to do -- confess my sins and ask only for THIS day's bread. not tomorrow's... not next week's... not next month's or next year's... the Bible, stretching all the way back to the exodus from egypt, demonstrates time and again how God calls us to live each day of its own accord. He disciplined the israelite's by spoiling any bread that was kept beyond a day (rendering it inedible with worms). He has tried to teach all of us, from the beginning, that He will fulfill our daily needs has provided for our future on His terms.
but I forget...
life's comforts -- a nice house, money in the bank, a healthy family, netflix... these things build my false security. i am powerless to resist their siren call. i confess it. i'm going to keep forgetting. i may feel a heartfelt need for God today, but tomorrow i will wake up and will probably forget... i will forget until my need is made transparent to me; that normally at some point every day.
I confess that i'm sick of it. i'm sick of forgetting... i'm embarrassed that i can't seem to remember the Lord's promises -- His demonstrated love to all His children. I am just like DRP -- just a few words away from a nervous breakdown. i'm the opposite of buddah.
I pray that my nervous breakdown happens early in the Morning tomorrow -- and not late in the afternoon like most days. Please pray for me.
CPP
