sharp tongued

i grew up in a house that liked to put other people down.  my family seemed to unite behind creative insults lobbed at people outside our nest.  it took me a long time to realize it -- it certainly wasnt until after i was married that i really understood the impact this had on me. 

i fed (and still do sadly) on creative and seemingly innocent put downs of other people.  the objective truth is that years of practice have left me quite good at it.  i can verbally fence with the best of them.

recently, however. i have started realizing how destructive this behavior is in relationships.  i find myself inadvertendly poking fun at a friend or speaking in ways that deflate someone else's self-esteem.  i tell myself that it is innocent and though in its intent it might be, the effect is v real.  lately i have been wondering do my snide remarks in these encounters (typically a group laugh at another's expense) leave people feeling better about themselves or do they leave me feeling better (or superior) about myself?  i know the answer and i don't like it.

i need help.

Lord, please forgive me.  Forgive my selfish and flippant use of language.  my words are spiteful and divisive.  i throw myself on the cross and ask the Holy Spirit to command my tongue.

sam zell and keeping your word...

on my way into work this morning, i read an interview given by sam zell in the financial times. the ostensible purpose was a broad based discussion of sam's career and his approach to deal-making. the journalist ultimately focused on just two things however -- sam's biggest public failure (his leveraged buy-out of tribune) and his unrelenting competitiveness. somewhat predictably, sam became quite annoyed at the line of questions focused on his failure, at one point protesting, "this is supposed to be an interview about a lot of things, not just tribune; i have done lots of other deals." apparently mr. zell was visibly irritated and threatened to walkout. anyway, a little further on in the interview, the author describes sam's competitive streak -- his desire to be first all the time. the description echoes so many that i have read about worldly and successful men. "being the best" and "beating the other guy" are important motivators for men who have achieved far beyond what most of us will and who have much more money  than we (or anyone) would ever need.

so the fear of failure and the addiction to competition are certainly two things that i've struggled with and continue to struggle with in my life, but that isn't actually what stood out to me most about the article. it was right towards the very end when sam talks about his legacy. he says his hope is that people will say "'he [sam] was a man of his word.'"
before allowing anyone a chance to comment, sam also adds "i think i've done a pretty good job living up to that."

now i think immediately, here is a guy who is deluding himself.  how could he possibly think he is living up to his word?  i mean who really does that?  it is a totally impossible standard for us selfish humans...  i mean didnt he promise all those tribune employees things would workout well?  didnt he tell himself to be polite when sitting with an interviewer?   who has the courage to live so consistently, blamelessly, and honestly?  no one.  sam has invented a way to justify himself in his own mind.  no matter what happens he tells himself "well i always keep my word,"

i empathize with sam though, because i do the same thing whether i am aware of it or not.  i cant judge myself or my own actions fairly.  left to my own devices, i manipulate reality until i see what i want.  no matter what happens, i will leap to my own defense with 'well at least i am a good *blank*'  it can be anything and it changes a lot, but of course i am never always anything. 

i used this line of reasoning a lot before i became a believer, but it doesnt seem to have gone away since.  old habits die hard.  we all like the message of grace that God loves us, but prefer to avoid the hard truths about ourselves...  that we are really hard to love, especially when seen through God's perfect standard.  it is why i so desperately need community so i can have the truth spoken to me even when i would prefer to act like sam. 

Lord.  i am humbled.  i am not humbled enough.  i pray that you would forgive my false and prideful heart.  help me to stay engaged in a community of believers.  God i pray that those people would speak truth to me so that i can approach you with a contrite heart.  thank you for loving me and all of us in spite of ourselves.

How does this work again?

It's been a while since I put pen to paper... or hands to keys. There are a lot of possible excuses -- I moved, I lost my job, my wife had a baby. They all circumvent the truth which is that I haven't felt like confessing. When I am tired or worn out or stressed, the last thing I want to do is make public my shortcomings. "I already feel bad enough as it is," I tell myself. I want to tuck myself into the fetal position and hide. The flaw in this logic is obvious, but it's also the truth about how I have behaved. I have been hiding from my sins and sinfulness -- masking the tingling of my conscience with "more pressing" concerns.  If i keep myself busy enough, i can almost quiet the Holy Spirit.

I have been kidding myself though.  My heart is still twisted and dark.  Greed for this world consumes me.  The recent move from a city to a suburb has pulled me out of the community of believers that I knew and encouraged lazy and self-involved habits.  It is always my bias to avoid community and exposure.  i admit that i have been hiding. 

I don't have any profound insight to offer about my need for confession...  just that it has been too long and I confess my need to reengage -- not because my heart can be changed, but because without the renewal of confession and redemption through Jesus I will self-destruct.

Lord, please forgive me for ignoring You.  Forgive me for my bad prayer life, forgive me for my arrogance, conceit, greed and lack of mercy.  Thank you for the gift of grace.  Thank you for your son Jesus Christ.  Please help me see where my real treasure is. 

surprised that i'm surprised

i just forgot. i forget a lot. i seem to forget almost all the time.

people say programs like Alcohol Anon are so effective because they don't attempt to cure the incurable. they start with the basic supposition that once grabbed by the disease, someone will permanently and forever be haunted by it... the basic steps of recovery include:
1) recognizing permanent vulnerability to the disease
2) confessing it in a community
3) taking it a day at a time

i have a lot to learn from this. i forget that i need help each day. i might go to bed at night at peace -- but wake up early the next morning completely stressed about the future... about my career, my marriage, my kid, my health... soon my back is in knots and i'm near panic. i'm very often caught off-guard by this.

"i just can't believe that i'm actually this stressed."

"things really aren't getting to me, i'm fine."

i am surprised that i'm surprised.

in its own way of course, this just reveals both how naive i am about myself and arrogant. i seem to think that i can overcome the worries of this life on my own. i seem to believe that i'm a mini-buddah... but i'm not buddah. i'm a peccator. a big peccator. my strength isn't sufficient for anything. why do i keep forgetting?

the Lord's prayer speaks directly to what i need to do -- confess my sins and ask only for THIS day's bread. not tomorrow's... not next week's... not next month's or next year's... the Bible, stretching all the way back to the exodus from egypt, demonstrates time and again how God calls us to live each day of its own accord. He disciplined the israelite's by spoiling any bread that was kept beyond a day (rendering it inedible with worms). He has tried to teach all of us, from the beginning, that He will fulfill our daily needs has provided for our future on His terms.

but I forget...

life's comforts -- a nice house, money in the bank, a healthy family, netflix... these things build my false security. i am powerless to resist their siren call. i confess it. i'm going to keep forgetting. i may feel a heartfelt need for God today, but tomorrow i will wake up and will probably forget... i will forget until my need is made transparent to me; that normally at some point every day.

I confess that i'm sick of it. i'm sick of forgetting... i'm embarrassed that i can't seem to remember the Lord's promises -- His demonstrated love to all His children. I am just like DRP -- just a few words away from a nervous breakdown. i'm the opposite of buddah.

I pray that my nervous breakdown happens early in the Morning tomorrow -- and not late in the afternoon like most days. Please pray for me.

CPP