sharp tongued

i grew up in a house that liked to put other people down.  my family seemed to unite behind creative insults lobbed at people outside our nest.  it took me a long time to realize it -- it certainly wasnt until after i was married that i really understood the impact this had on me. 

i fed (and still do sadly) on creative and seemingly innocent put downs of other people.  the objective truth is that years of practice have left me quite good at it.  i can verbally fence with the best of them.

recently, however. i have started realizing how destructive this behavior is in relationships.  i find myself inadvertendly poking fun at a friend or speaking in ways that deflate someone else's self-esteem.  i tell myself that it is innocent and though in its intent it might be, the effect is v real.  lately i have been wondering do my snide remarks in these encounters (typically a group laugh at another's expense) leave people feeling better about themselves or do they leave me feeling better (or superior) about myself?  i know the answer and i don't like it.

i need help.

Lord, please forgive me.  Forgive my selfish and flippant use of language.  my words are spiteful and divisive.  i throw myself on the cross and ask the Holy Spirit to command my tongue.

sam zell and keeping your word...

on my way into work this morning, i read an interview given by sam zell in the financial times. the ostensible purpose was a broad based discussion of sam's career and his approach to deal-making. the journalist ultimately focused on just two things however -- sam's biggest public failure (his leveraged buy-out of tribune) and his unrelenting competitiveness. somewhat predictably, sam became quite annoyed at the line of questions focused on his failure, at one point protesting, "this is supposed to be an interview about a lot of things, not just tribune; i have done lots of other deals." apparently mr. zell was visibly irritated and threatened to walkout. anyway, a little further on in the interview, the author describes sam's competitive streak -- his desire to be first all the time. the description echoes so many that i have read about worldly and successful men. "being the best" and "beating the other guy" are important motivators for men who have achieved far beyond what most of us will and who have much more money  than we (or anyone) would ever need.

so the fear of failure and the addiction to competition are certainly two things that i've struggled with and continue to struggle with in my life, but that isn't actually what stood out to me most about the article. it was right towards the very end when sam talks about his legacy. he says his hope is that people will say "'he [sam] was a man of his word.'"
before allowing anyone a chance to comment, sam also adds "i think i've done a pretty good job living up to that."

now i think immediately, here is a guy who is deluding himself.  how could he possibly think he is living up to his word?  i mean who really does that?  it is a totally impossible standard for us selfish humans...  i mean didnt he promise all those tribune employees things would workout well?  didnt he tell himself to be polite when sitting with an interviewer?   who has the courage to live so consistently, blamelessly, and honestly?  no one.  sam has invented a way to justify himself in his own mind.  no matter what happens he tells himself "well i always keep my word,"

i empathize with sam though, because i do the same thing whether i am aware of it or not.  i cant judge myself or my own actions fairly.  left to my own devices, i manipulate reality until i see what i want.  no matter what happens, i will leap to my own defense with 'well at least i am a good *blank*'  it can be anything and it changes a lot, but of course i am never always anything. 

i used this line of reasoning a lot before i became a believer, but it doesnt seem to have gone away since.  old habits die hard.  we all like the message of grace that God loves us, but prefer to avoid the hard truths about ourselves...  that we are really hard to love, especially when seen through God's perfect standard.  it is why i so desperately need community so i can have the truth spoken to me even when i would prefer to act like sam. 

Lord.  i am humbled.  i am not humbled enough.  i pray that you would forgive my false and prideful heart.  help me to stay engaged in a community of believers.  God i pray that those people would speak truth to me so that i can approach you with a contrite heart.  thank you for loving me and all of us in spite of ourselves.

How does this work again?

It's been a while since I put pen to paper... or hands to keys. There are a lot of possible excuses -- I moved, I lost my job, my wife had a baby. They all circumvent the truth which is that I haven't felt like confessing. When I am tired or worn out or stressed, the last thing I want to do is make public my shortcomings. "I already feel bad enough as it is," I tell myself. I want to tuck myself into the fetal position and hide. The flaw in this logic is obvious, but it's also the truth about how I have behaved. I have been hiding from my sins and sinfulness -- masking the tingling of my conscience with "more pressing" concerns.  If i keep myself busy enough, i can almost quiet the Holy Spirit.

I have been kidding myself though.  My heart is still twisted and dark.  Greed for this world consumes me.  The recent move from a city to a suburb has pulled me out of the community of believers that I knew and encouraged lazy and self-involved habits.  It is always my bias to avoid community and exposure.  i admit that i have been hiding. 

I don't have any profound insight to offer about my need for confession...  just that it has been too long and I confess my need to reengage -- not because my heart can be changed, but because without the renewal of confession and redemption through Jesus I will self-destruct.

Lord, please forgive me for ignoring You.  Forgive me for my bad prayer life, forgive me for my arrogance, conceit, greed and lack of mercy.  Thank you for the gift of grace.  Thank you for your son Jesus Christ.  Please help me see where my real treasure is. 

surprised that i'm surprised

i just forgot. i forget a lot. i seem to forget almost all the time.

people say programs like Alcohol Anon are so effective because they don't attempt to cure the incurable. they start with the basic supposition that once grabbed by the disease, someone will permanently and forever be haunted by it... the basic steps of recovery include:
1) recognizing permanent vulnerability to the disease
2) confessing it in a community
3) taking it a day at a time

i have a lot to learn from this. i forget that i need help each day. i might go to bed at night at peace -- but wake up early the next morning completely stressed about the future... about my career, my marriage, my kid, my health... soon my back is in knots and i'm near panic. i'm very often caught off-guard by this.

"i just can't believe that i'm actually this stressed."

"things really aren't getting to me, i'm fine."

i am surprised that i'm surprised.

in its own way of course, this just reveals both how naive i am about myself and arrogant. i seem to think that i can overcome the worries of this life on my own. i seem to believe that i'm a mini-buddah... but i'm not buddah. i'm a peccator. a big peccator. my strength isn't sufficient for anything. why do i keep forgetting?

the Lord's prayer speaks directly to what i need to do -- confess my sins and ask only for THIS day's bread. not tomorrow's... not next week's... not next month's or next year's... the Bible, stretching all the way back to the exodus from egypt, demonstrates time and again how God calls us to live each day of its own accord. He disciplined the israelite's by spoiling any bread that was kept beyond a day (rendering it inedible with worms). He has tried to teach all of us, from the beginning, that He will fulfill our daily needs has provided for our future on His terms.

but I forget...

life's comforts -- a nice house, money in the bank, a healthy family, netflix... these things build my false security. i am powerless to resist their siren call. i confess it. i'm going to keep forgetting. i may feel a heartfelt need for God today, but tomorrow i will wake up and will probably forget... i will forget until my need is made transparent to me; that normally at some point every day.

I confess that i'm sick of it. i'm sick of forgetting... i'm embarrassed that i can't seem to remember the Lord's promises -- His demonstrated love to all His children. I am just like DRP -- just a few words away from a nervous breakdown. i'm the opposite of buddah.

I pray that my nervous breakdown happens early in the Morning tomorrow -- and not late in the afternoon like most days. Please pray for me.

CPP

One word away from a total nervous breakdown

I saw my grandfather for Christmas and he asked what I was doing. He wanted to know where I worked and I tried with a sentence or two to prove that I was somebody he should be proud of. He nodded his head for a while, moderately impressed, and then said, “What about on the education front? Are you going to go to business school? It’s great on the resume.” I responded, “Oh yeah, F*** you, old man!” in my heart; and then said out loud, “Oh yeah, that’s true.  I will look into that. I’m going to get some more eggnog, you?”

What is the problem with my life, grandpa? What am I doing that isn’t good enough? What more do you want from me? Will it ever be enough? Why business school? And who cares about my resume?

I believe that “God’s grace is sufficient for me;” that my “faith is credited to me as righteousness;” but I am one word, one word of law, away from a total nervous breakdown. I know this because all the little words, mere words implying imperfection send me spiraling.

-          My grandfather tells me that he’s disappointed in me.

-          My boss tells me that I need that I need to work on my proofreading.

-          My wife starts crying and I can’t stop it.

-          A stock turns the wrong way.

-          I get lost driving and stuck in horrible traffic.

-          My mother tells me to “be nice.”

-          My fitness level is worse than the year before.  

This is a confession that I am one word away from a total nervous breakdown. My belief in God’s grace is so fragile that almost any word of the law can plunge me into the abyss and send me running to my bed like a child in shame. I wish that I was stronger, but the law is always standing at the door ready to convict me. It is always there ready to tell me that I am not good enough; that nothing I do will ever be good enough; and I am always ready to believe it.

What do I want? I want to not be so easily crushed. I want to hear the law spoken by my grandfather, or mother, or boss and have it fall right off my back. Good luck!

I think that this comes from knowing yourself and knowing that the accusation is true and probably is worse than anybody, even my grandfather, knows: I have not “lived up to my potential”; I could have done things better. What was that story that FitzAllison retold? About a captured allied soldier being questioned and the interrogators asking questions to try and find a point of guilt in the soldier? There was something about the soldier, a Christian, having confessed all the things that were brought against him already- that there was nothing that they could pin on him, to which he hadn’t already confessed a much worse offense. I want to be like that. I want to hear what someone else says and not spiral on down, but know that it is much worse than they know and yet I am forgiven. I want to truly confess my weaknesses- that I beautifully and wonderfully made, but there is “no health in me”. Despite my weaknesses, I know that the work of Jesus on the cross has silenced the demands of the law. “Where, oh death, is your victory? Where oh death, is your sting?” There is nothing that the world can bring against me that the work of Jesus hasn’t already satisfied.  Jesus has silenced the demands of the law. The law, the power of death, no longer have a grip on me. “For the law brings wrath, but where there is no law there is no transgression.” Praise be to God, through Jesus Christ.  

forgetting

most mornings i wake up with a determined sense that "i've got to get stuff done today." as though somehow my agenda can reshape all the ways in which the things i did wrong yesterday can be made right today... but it seems like the harder i try, the worse it gets.

the more i think about it, the worse i think most religions are at having something to say to the loser. i mean what happens when you lose? what happens when your best isn't good enough? when your cancer isn't going to recede? when your father just won't love you? when your wife knows you're a failure as a husband?

most everyone in the world you'd go to for advice under any of those circumstances offers a cursory set of solutions:

"just keep trying"
"just hold on, it will get better"
"it's not that bad"
"let's come up with a plan of action"

but what if you're really at the end of your rope? i know i've been there. when you're at the end of your rope, there's nothing a motivational speech is really gonna do. you might reluctantly coax yourself to get out of bed, but in your heart, you know that that the pain of your shame from failure or the pain of life's sometimes horrible realities can become insufferable. if you wait long enough, maybe you'll forget, but that's certainly not a stable reality.

i realize that lately, i've been under attack. i have been taking for granted that since i might understand intellectually some (though certainly NOT all) of the things going on in my heart, that i have them "under control." those are demons that since i've "brought to light," i "don't need to worry about anymore."

but, of course, that simply isn't true... i'm really under attack. i feel pressure to perform at every level in my life -- to be a good husband, to be a good caretaker for my firm, to be a good father, to serve the church, to scribble on this blog... to be good.

but i'm not good. i'm a failure. and i KNOW it and no stupid aphorism about "trying harder" will sedate the pain of my heart from understanding that.

Christianity has something to say me. the message of the gospel begins well before i would have started my measurements for a self-assessment test. Christianity starts with the basic supposition that

1. i've already failed.
2. Trying is evidence of my failure.

see when i forget that i already failed, i try harder... i think i have to do something to "make things better." but no human can do that... i mean PRACTICALLY, of course i can do little things, but the big things in life -- where will i work, will i get sick, will my family be ok... the things that MATTER and give shape to life... all those things are well beyond my control. so i try to ignore them and "focus on the things i can control." but even those things aren't really under my control and so because i spend all my time focusing on the uncontrollables that i THINK i can control, i wind up half crazy and totally discouraged.

God's standard across everything is perfection. It is that simple. It is not a half-measure. it is not just being "better than the other 99%" It is perfect.

I keep forgetting that. i keep thinking that i haven't really failed. that each day is a new slate and that trying harder will fix something. but the ARROGANCE of that presumption is all the evidence God needs to condemn me... who am i to challenge God? who am I to challenge his standards? they are absolute, not relative. i have no hope to meet any of them. what a pathetic little pion i am to even try to do it on my own.

Christianity actually STARTS with the message that our failure is real and concrete. life's agonies are undeniable and shouldn't be surprising in a broken world with broken people... life is hard.

i think richard rohr puts it best actualy:

"Understanding that your life is not about you is the connection point with everything else. it lowers the mountains and fills the valley that we have created... I am grateful to be a part -- and only a part! i do not have to figure it all out, straight it all out, or even do it perfectly by myself. i do not have to be God. It is an enormous weight off your back."

so i confess. i forgot this morning. i forgot that i'd already failed, before i even began... that i fall short of God's standard... that i'm in desperate need of His grace. that when i woke up today, it wasn't my "goal" to love God, but to "use" him to serve my own ideas about what will make "me better" or the "world better" or whatever idiot scheme i had in mind. i let the world's demands and demons... the world's ridiculous and ephemeral and changing standards be my benchmark and not God's. I am sorry.

please pray for this peccator. God, I ask you to help me engage in community, to seek out and confess all that nags at my heart, to give my life into Your hands. I ask you help me to do nothing but through your strength. Help my life be a simple testimony to two certain facts 1) my inadequacy and 2) your unending grace. What can I really be hoping for if not greater commune with you? How miserable and insufficient any other desire would be...

CPP

my christmas miracle(s)

I was reading the passage in exodus where Moses, with the Lord’s power, begins performing a series of miracles in an effort to convince the Pharaoh to release the Hebrews from bondage… I noticed something that, as usual, I missed the first time I approached this text. For the first several miracles, even though they are clearly achieved by God enabling Moses (and Aaron), the “sorcerers and magicians” of the Pharaoh are able to replicate the same results.

For instance:

“So Aaron stretched out his hand over the waters of Egypt, and the frogs came up and covered the land. But the magicians did the same things by their secret arts; they also made frogs come up on the land of Egypt.”

The somewhat predictable result is that wonder of God’s first few miracles are lost on the Pharaoh and “he hardened his heart and would not listen to Moses.” It isn’t until God produces a series of increasingly complex miracles that the magi can’t replicate that anyone dares to point the Pharaoh to the inevitable conclusion that “’This is the finger of God.’” Of course, even this interpretation is wrong, because it was the finger of God the WHOLE time, not just in that singular instance… After a series of refusals, the Pharaoh eventually cedes to the sovereign demands of God to release the Hebrews (though we all know he quickly changes his mind on this).

What struck me as I read this was how often am I just like the Pharaoh and the Magi? How often am I witnessing the daily miracle of God and assuming that it’s from my own power or human power?
Sadly, I know the answer. It’s all the time.

It is only in moments of extreme stress or circumstance that God’s miracles become apparent to me. Of course, He is REALLY with me all the time; daily performing miracles... In fact, given how corrupt my heart is, it’s a miracle that I don’t get into even worse trouble than I do. God is constantly saving me from situations where he knows I would fall short… and yet I consistently pat myself on the back for my “self-discipline” when I should instead be praising the “finger of God.”

Lord, I pray that you would help me to be more aware, more present in being a witness to ALL of your miracles. I know I want to take them for granted, assume that all is being done under my own power, but help me recognize that your benevolent hand is with me each day and in each moment. Help me to be mindful and grateful – aware of your awesome life-giving power and wonderful love for your creation, despite its persistently malfunctioning heart. Praise God.

CPP