The hardest part about confession
is admitting that I am not who I thought I was. Sometimes the incident that
puts me over the edge is too brutal to even confess; to painful to admit the
event that hit me in the face like fist, or showed who I was like a mirror. I
don’t know how the alcoholic gets up at a meeting and does true confession. I
don’t know how they get up and say, “That’s right. I stole money from my kid’s
piggy bank to buy booze” or whatever it is- at a moment when it seemed like it
couldn’t get any worse it did. And maybe that’s why people don’t go to AA. Maybe
that’s why people quit cold turkey, to avoid the pain of confession, of
admitting how low you have been and have potential to go, on any given day, for
your whole life.
Well, I don’t want to be a dry
drunk. I don’t want to go on with my life and pretend like I’m not stepping
over dead bodies to get to the kitchen every morning. I want to be human. I
want to admit that I am not who I say I am. I am a hypocrite. I want to admit
that I’m not better than anyone else. I am just as bad. I want to admit that I
don’t do the things that I should do and every time that I say in my head that
I will never do that again I do it the next night or the next week and I do it
worse than before. My will power is weak. Most of all, I am sorry for the ways
that I cover it up and hide it. I am also sorry for the ways that I look down
on others who are “weaker” than I am, people who merely can’t cover it up or
control it at the right time the same way that I can. I am sorry that I look down
on those people as if I can’t relate.
I need help to admit my weakness
and not hide it. I have heard that “God’s strength is made perfect in my weakness.”
I have heard that God is a friend of sinners. I have heard that he is strong
when I am weak; that the poor are rich in him; that he loves me no matter what.
Please help me to be weak and trust in you for all things. I don’t want to rely
on my self, on my own ability to perform. Please help me to be weak, to be
poor, to stand with the sinners. Please let me know your love and forgiveness
for a poor, weak, fragile, lonely, lame, desperate, empty man.
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