a bad patient

so my entire family got sick over the holidays...  it started with my one year old son throwing up and quickly spread like the plague to everyone in our house.  even my mother-in-law who rushed in at the last minute to help care for all of us (and who was diligent in washing and wearing protective gear), got tackled by this stomach bug.

anyway, the point is not to gather sympathy for our illness (though i would appreciate any spare turkey as we ate none), but instead to confess a realization that i had during the holiday.  there i was, thanksgiving morning, completely helpless, covered in my own filth and in desperate need of care.  the bug was so debilitating that it transcended any effort i might even want to make to help myself; i simply HAD to ask.  and yet how did i ask for that help?  begrudgingly.  and so that is when it hit me -- i am a really bad patient.

see, i confess that i am a bad patient.  i also confess that i only realize now that this is not a good thing.  for years, i took pride in being a "bad sick person" as a fact about myself.
"i can manage very well thank you.  i HATE being sick, but i can tough this out."
in short, illness was another chance for me demonstrate how capable i am of overcoming "things" on my own.  my horrible, insidious pride constantly fights for a claim to righteousness even in the midst of illness.  how screwed up is that?

and, yet, sometime early in the morning of thanksgiving day, probably 2 or 3am, as i was curled up in the shower, puking again for the umpteenth time, something struck me -- this might be how God sees me in my relationship with Him.  in fact, this MUST be how God sees me.  i am a sinner.  i fall so short of the demands of the law and am in desperate need of help.  i am covered in moral filth and in bondage to myself...  yet, how often, even when the Lord's grace is available to me do i accept it begrudgingly?  how often is it a reluctant confession that springs from my lips, only after it is has been clearly revealed to me that i can't possibly hope to help myself?

it turns out of course that the gospel has something to say to all of us about our moral health -- we all have the stomach bug.  me, maybe more than most... and yet there is infinite care, hope, peace and joy for our souls available through Jesus who reconciles us to the Father.

so my prayer is that i might understand the reality of my moral condition...  understand the desperate nature of my plight and that i gladly, joyfully and without hesitation renounce any claims to righteousness and receive the message of the gospel into my heart.  Lord, please help me to be a better patient in physical illness, but most importantly in confessing my need for your grace.  i know perfection is impossible, but help heal my heart of its insidious demands to self-justify.    

CPP