Why can’t I bounce back?

Emily Dickinson Poem 688

“Speech” – is a prank of Parliament –

“Tears – is a trick of the nerve –

But the Heart with the heaviest freight on –

Doesn't – always – move –

I remember being 10 years old playing hockey. I played defense. A kid would get pass me and score a goal and I would go to the bench with my head hung low. I would try to bounce back; try to forget it and move on, but I couldn’t get rid of that feeling. I couldn’t get rid of that feeling of being beat, of losing. I couldn’t shed it. I would try to go faster on the next play; try not to make the same mistake again, but if I couldn’t redeem myself than I was still in that place, head hung low, another goal scored on me. Why did I let that guy get by me? How could I have made that mistake? How could I have made that mistake again? I even remember my dad saying, “Come on DRP, bounce back! Forget about the last period, it's over."

I still say that to myself, “Come on DRP, bounce back! Snap out of it!” And sometimes it works. Sometimes I can forget the mistakes that I made, not worry about it, brush it off. But I am still plagued by the same inability to shrug off failure as I was when I was ten.

Sometimes my way out is distraction. Pick something else up. Go for a run DRP. Ride a bike DRP. Do pushups until you can’t even open a door DRP. But  my heart doesn’t always move. Going for a run only helps a little bit. Hanging out with friends or going for a bike ride only helps a little bit. It cheers me up, but doesn’t really move my heart. If only these things could move my heart, make it all go away, then I would be better. Then I could bounce back.

The mistakes that I made when I was ten on the hockey rink, the mistakes that I make at work or with my wife; my unpreparedness for having a child and fear of making future mistakes;  these are all a sign of a deeper issue- that I am imperfect. And my imperfection is the last thing that I want to face. I am imperfect through and through and forever, no matter what. I am imperfect and there is nothing I can do to change that and it is really hard to forget it.

Lord have mercy on me. For you know my heart and where it rests- as a true peccator.