Internal vs. External

I wake up every morning, shower, brush my teeth, comb my hair and make myself look presentable. I deodorize myself, put on appropriate clothes, and go to my job. On the outside I am doing right, walking the right way, containing the right emotions and revealing the appropriate ones.

Yet, on the inside it is different. My mind races, it can’t remember all of the rules. I hate my job. I wish I was somewhere else. I don’t want to go to work. I don’t want to do anything. An angry voice talks to me as I run through Central Park, “Why did she do that to you, DRP? Do they never think about anyone but themselves, DRP? Why do you put up with them? Don’t you know that you could do better?” The voice goes so fast that sometimes I can’t follow it. “Where did that come from? What are you even talking about?” I ask the voice, feeling a little bit afraid of what he will say back. The voice goes on and on and then eventually quiets itself. It becomes quiet for no reason and I know that it will come back again for no reason.

On the outside I am stable, but on the inside a war rages in which I am powerless to defend. On the outside I am stable, but on the inside I am fragile. On the outside my words are friendly and kind, but on the inside they are harsh and mean. On the outside I am content, but on the inside I am bitter and angry. On the outside I am content, but on the inside I wish I was someone else.

DRP