UGH! I can't stop. I just can't stop cursing.
I tell myself over and over again that I want to stop, I'm ready to stop... but it just seems to "come out." Each time I get animated or excited about a subject those F-bombs just naturally sneak into my conversation.
When I was younger, I used to think it was clever. I can remember when I was very young, the first few times I felt at liberty to curse. I was away from home, with friends... There was no one to "stop me" from using foul language. I reveled in inventing new nasty little combinations of words. It all seemed so harmless. Heck, it was exciting -- knowingly violating a social taboo. It was freedom!
Now, here I am... In my thirties with a young son and I can't stop. I am in bondage. My heart is still wrapped up in the "fun" of violating the rules. It is so ugly and insidious. I tell myself I want to stop... but do i really? My heart still yearns to be unbound, to experience that first rush of "freedom" that came from "breaking the rules" and "being independent." The reality of it all is much harsher -- I sound like a drunken sailor. I sound violent, mean, arrogant, and abrasive; worse, I sound like a bitter and cynical person who doesn't know the glory of Christ. I can't stop myself and soon enough I am going to ruin my son with my own sin.
Please pray for me. Pray for awareness. Help me to understand what I am doing isn't "funny" or "clever" or "freeing." I know I am powerless against my own heart. I throw myself at the mercy of Christ, who forgives me despite my never-ending offenses. I confess my broken heart and broken mouth.
CPP
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