So i recently read this book called the "myth of sisyphus" written by albert camus in the late 50's, it is an exposition on the absurdist dilemma of suicide. briefly, existentialists/absurdists were (and are) a verison of the sadducees that Jesus wrestled with during His time here on earth. the overlapping belief is simply "this is it" -- there is no immortality to the soul and there is nothing after we die.
this nihilism at its heart rejects the idea that there are any values or anything worth pursuing. there is nothing to live for since there is no "next" life. in a way, i have a deep respect for the conclusions of the existentialist philosophers -- at least they are willing to be honest about the human condition... most other philosophies attempt to route around the absurdity of our own efforts by either separating (buddism) or denying (self-help books) the brokenness of ourselves and this world. existentialist sadducees are willing to admit the desperate logical outcomes of life and us trying to live it without God.
without God to rely on (although i dont really know what they thought about Jesus, since Jesus doesn't just let you dismiss him. You have to respond to the reality of His presence, His ministry, His claim....), man's condition is the same as homer's character, sisyphus. sisyphus, the wisest mortal, challenged the gods and is condemned to push a rock up a hill for the rest of eternity and as soon as it reaches the top, watch the rock fall back down and repeat again. in short, he is me. he is what i am everytime i try to do something without acknowledging my inability absent the Lord's grace.
now for camus, he sees a deep nobility in this struggle. he adores the image of sisyphus, fully aware of his own condition and the futility of his struggle continuing to press on. "at each of those moments when he leaves the heights and gradually sinks toward the lairs of the gods, he is superior to his fate. he is stronger than his rock." so for camus, the "struggle" and the fight, the "defiant" moment is what gives purpose and life to this character (and therefore to each of us).
the problem, for me, anyway, is that i can't even really push the rock right. the harder i try, the worse i make things. like when i want something so badly i just keep neurotically checking over and over again, getting in my own way... or when i push people to get things done on deadlines i've fabricated that have no meaning, discouraging them and myself when they fall short of the standards i set. in short, it's not just that what i'm trying to do is absurd, it's also that i can't even do the absurd right. i'm futile in my own efforts to be futile. more than that, i am so selfish and prideful in my pursuit of this futility. where camus sees "noble effort that creates a life worth living," i look at myself and say "i'm just not worth living for." this is what i find so disappointing about this philosophical conclusion... i get to the end of it, agreeing with the semi-truth it is speaking (the brokenness of the world and my place in it), but i am still left with my futile efforts at futility as the basis for my existence. now THAT really is absurd. i'm not sure why camus
so i have thought a lot about it today. i think i know what i need to do. if i really want to rebel against the human condition... i need to do what sisyphus (and I) don't do; i need to rebel against myself. I need to do nothing. i need to let the rock fall back down to the bottom and not move to try to push it back up hill.
so today, in an act of rebellion against myself and the world, i am going to spend just 5 minutes "doing nothing." no e-mails, no calls, no talking, no reading, no planning. just 5 minutes with myself, accepting my brokenness and acknowledging that MY claims on life are not worth living for... and i will also try to be more mindful that His grace is what i really need. His grace is sufficient. I can live with myself, in the reality of the futility of my fight against futility, in the open, in stillness, ONLY because Jesus has already done everything. praise the Lord.
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