What goes up must come down.

Two months ago, we tried to start the music again. I want to be singing “Love and Happiness” to my wife or “Walking on Sunshine”, not just reciting dry poetry to each other that we remember from our earlier days. But I don’t do that. I usually treat her like my sister, or colleague, or friend, not my wife. And I don’t want to do that.  I don’t want the way that I treat her to be motivated by guilt and obligation. I don’t want to merely love her the way that I ought or should. I don’t want to treat her remembering that this has worked before. I want to be motivated by desire and love. I want to have a relationship that is concerned with loving each other and not concerned with merely my own needs and own schedule. Well, this conversation happens regularly. Usually she brings it up, unfortunately. I usually don’t notice that it has happened again. “Whoops, I did it again.”

Well, we are two months in from our conversation, and I can feel myself slipping back down again. I gave her a little peck on the cheek when I came home from work and realized that I was falling back into my same pattern. The tell tale signs are all there, I am falling back down again. The conversation of two months ago has faded. The efforts that I put in initially are getting fainter. I have no answer for this other than the fact that I hate that I do it and I can’t seem to avoid it. I get jolted up when it becomes really bad. I say that I am sorry and we start again. But that period only lasts a little while- about two months. So here I am again, what goes up, must come down. And I am it: I go up for a little while and then I inevitably come down. Lord help me.