Yes, I am prepared to admit that this is a facially absurd question. There are number of things that rushed immediately to my mind when i first asked myself this... a lot of them inconsistent with one another.
-- "Well, of course not, i'm supposed to give all my money to the poor"
-- "I am supposed to provide for my family as a father and part of that means providing a safe place for my son to play"
-- "I don't want to expose my family to lavish displays of greed and wealth"
-- "This is only a modest 'expense' so it's really. O.K., I am still being a good steward of my resources"
The fact is, not withstanding the subject at the end of the sentence "pool club," there are a lot of things for which I ask this question and concoct a conflicting series of answers. Depending on which answer I choose, I can decide that I am being "righteous" or "unrighteous," "good" or "bad," and judge myself and others accordingly. Even now as I look at that question "Does God want me" I can see my own claims to righteousness being spelled out on the page... as though somehow I am the elect and different from everyone else and God has chosen ME to be the one to do something. The question does not sincerely have a humble heart, it presupposes that I would deserve to be chosen by God for anything. That, as we all know, is doggy doo -- I am a mess and deserve nothing.
I have spent sometime mulling this question over. I now believe, at least for me, that it is the wrong question to try to answer. I have tried to replace that question, which, again, presupposes my entitlement, with two new questions:
1) Am I doing this for God's glory or my own?
2) Am I replacing my love for Him with my love for XY or Z and could I give up XY or Z in "30 seconds" if God wanted me to be somewhere else or have something else?
I am STILL pretty sure I am not even capable of being honest enough to answer these questions. My heart is so manipulative in its desire to get what it wants, that I will probably now tell myself that:
"Yeah, well, I'm joining this pool club because it is good for my son and we can't seed ground to Satan. I mean C.S. Lewis said 'good philosophy must exist if for no other reason than to respond to bad philosophy.' People should know that just because you are surrounded by physical comfort does not negate your need for God. Joining this club is really me serving God (Question 1, Check). And, OF COURSE, I don't need to be a member. I can give it up in a heartbeat. There is nothing written on my heart that says 'I've just GOT to belong here.' I will have no problem quitting if my financial resources become more constrained or if I feel like my time at the pool club is distracting me from my primary mission of loving God and loving others (Question 2, Check)."
For now, this really is my answer. I am confessing my answer... because I hope it is the truth and I am so unsure of my own judgment that I know I need to confess it. At least with my answer exposed to the light of day, those that love me (for no good reason) can look at it and say:
"Uhh... dude, WHAT are you talking about? You're gonna do WHAT?!?!"
or
"I think, for now, it is OK, but you'll need to watch yourself, because the comforts of that place could seduce even that most ardent saint... and you, my friend, ain't no saint."
So I am joining the pool club. Please pray for me.
CPP
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