I have a bad habit of getting angry, irritated and impatient. I'm quick to claim "injustice has been served." Over and over, my pride rages at back-handed insults and being placed in the "wrong" seat at the table ("don't they know who I am?").
I resolve to be a humble servant of the lord, but my heart is not prepared to make the concessions that God demands. It remains my secret hope to be judged on a curve. "well my sin isn't as bad as his sin... well at least i don't do what that guy does... look at all the money i gave away..." I just can't give up on the idea that I am not SOMEHOW contributing to my righteousness. and so I rage. I take offense. I get angry. My pride makes me indignant.
the truth, of course, is that God looks at all offenses the same... the demands of the law are perfection and i fall woefully short.
i confess my anger and self-righteousness. i pray for the humility that comes with being broken. not the false humility of "i'm so humble," but the humility of desperation. the humility that recognizes my own inability to do anything to help myself... Lord help me to see the futility of my efforts, the ugliness of my rage and the sin in my heart. God's love overcomes all things when we submit ourselves to his authority. i pray that i might stop denying my ability to control myself or the world and simply obey.
As Bonhoeffer observed:
"The man who disobeys cannot believe, for only he who obeys can believe...The gracious call of Jesus now becomes a stern command: DO THIS! GIVE UP THAT! LEAVE THE SHIP AND COME TO ME!"
Lord, help me to see myself as you see me -- a broken sinner without hope. Help me to give up on myself. I know I will fail in this, though that does not excuse my response to your call... Lord thank you for loving such a peccator.
CPP
Meredith and I have been talking about humility a lot recently (I am subscribed to this via Meredith's gmail account since I don't have one or use Facebook or any other modern, social connectivity tools) given the arrival of our 3rd child and the daily serving of humility that reality serves up. Real humility is a powerful salve against self-righteous and other ugly reactions that isolate us.
ReplyDeleteI think humility is a particularly tricky thing for those of us who grew up in the South. Growing up I heard a lot of self-depreciating banter posing as humility. For example someone would say "oh, I'm not that great of a tennis player" or "if only our garden could look as good as yours", or "oh, we're just getting by". The spirit of these comments would typically come across as highly condescending and not the least bit humble although the words were trying to be humble. I know when I communicate in this way I absolutely do not mean it and am typically thinking the exact opposite.
One of the greatest and hardest things about faith is that it is not about pretending. It is also not about trying to get away and move in the opposite direction of our flesh and unfortunate "I'm the center of the universe" perspective on life. Just the opposite, the call of Jesus asks us to move TOWARDS all of that, to move THROUGH it, to own it and believe in the power of redemption and healing. It is to own our shortcomings and feel NEEDS greater than our own abilities or understanding can address. We become like sheep as the scriptures say, or perhaps just like the bewildered disciples following Jesus around listening, experiencing life and still not really getting it until the very very end.
And owning our sin and pain also allows us to own our gifting and God designed persona. God designed us and placed eternity in our hearts and has empowered us to carry this message first to ourselves then to our "neighbors" and perhaps, if we can faithfully learn how to love 1 or 2 people well, manifest the reality of faith to a community larger than the people sitting at our dinner table each night.
In other words, I don't think there is any "aw shucks, I ain't nothing special" in the Kingdom. That is a head fake at humility. In the Kingdom I believe we are free to step forward and claim that God himself made us whatever it is he's made us and to feel His glory and pleasure when we do it (as the great Chariots of Fire scene communicated so well).
I confess too that I am angry and can be self-righteous. I would like to believe I am releasing that burden by being able to recognize it in the moment when I feel that anger and judgment rise to the surface and call it by name and diffuse the temptation to be insecure (i.e. a jerk). In that moment of need, when I am praying to the Lord and asking how long I am going to respond the world in such a childish way, I experience humility.
MCK