My clown show

In reflecting in the late hours of last night, I realized that my relationship with God had profound and wonderful implications for all my human relationships.  See, previously, in my relationships, I had to rely on my own strength.  My strength fed my pride and my pride was only sustained by doing the impossible -- being perfect...  I would tell myself, "Of course, I will be a "good" friend – I can be the best."  I will call, and plan trips, and tell jokes and ask about how you are doing and all the while pat myself on the back for being so thoughtful and good.  “Gosh, I really am the best friend.”  My selfish heart had turned my seemingly unselfish desire 'be a good friend' into a way to feed my pride.  I managed to tilt and manipulate every possible reflection on my soul so I that I see only what I want to see.  

Surrounded by this funhouse of mirrors, I didn’t see the truth about myself – the truth that I was really just selfishly in pursuit of MY VISION of what being a good friend looked like.  I didn’t need to explore what was really happening in my friend's heart or respond to his anxieties about life.  What did that have to do with me?  Clearly nothing since I was already such a good friend.  This can be especially challenging for men since we are all always trying to prove to one another how we are not really soft (me more than most). 

Like it or not, I have also been unwittingly operating under a system of “points.”  Every relationship also included an element of “what is in it for me?”  Even those things that I thought I was doing so selflessly were really just efforts to swell my pride.  _I_ dictated what needed to be done and did it.  Sometimes I might begrudgingly listen to friends ‘suggestions’ for what might help him, but in my own arrogant way I always resented any notion that I wasn’t already perfect.  Not even realizing it, not only was I using my friendships to swell my pride, but also to create a debit with those that I felt "owed" me back.  It may or may not be something I ever intended to call in, but subconciously I was storing up favors in the bank.  Disgusting, sick, and sad. 
 
See the problem with both my "points" thinking and my "mr perfect friend" attitude is that if something “broken in my life" is ever exposed – any suggestion made that I wasn’t doing something right in a relationship or I was 'betrayed' by someone that wasn't grateful enough for a thing I had done, risked creating a horrific cycle of resentment that fed on itself.  Rather than those genuine truths drawing us closer (guess what I CAN do better, people are NOT always grateful), it would push us further apart.  Almost inevitably the friendships either suffered partial or complete impairment... 

So here is what I realized last night…  Jesus is the answer.  His law breaks my pride and His grace breaks the self-righteous cycle of my points system.  His perfect love and friendship allow me to live in the tension of who God WANTS me to be as a friend and the REALITY of who and how I really am (selfish, thoughtless, uncaring, etc).  I do not have to live in fear, on edge or sit in judgment of others.  The sins of my heart, whether they are desire for praise, power, control, whatever, do not have to drive me apart from other people...  Through Jesus, my sins seen in the light of day, drive me to my knees, to the receipt of His grace and can ultimately give me closer and better relationships.  His love enables the capacity for empathy and mercy that my selfish, imperfect heart could never achieve left to its own devices.  Jesus helps me see all the ways in which my selfishness contributes to my own brokenness and the brokenness of the world without condemning me even though I deserve it.  Gratitude for his grace enables my mercy (which is doomed to imperfection from the start because of my humanness).

Unlike me in my silly little funhouse of mirrors, God doesn’t hide from the truth.  He reveals it and shows me my constant need for Him AND my friends.
Praise the Lord.

CPP